Special Nurses

I’ve poked fun at all sorts of people demonstrating just how special the human race can be. What about nurses? We nurses are definitely not above the laws of nature. In order for there to be an average intelligence level, statistically there has to be 50% of people at or bellow average. I’ve had the pleasure of working with individuals who tow that line, and help me feel better about myself. We all have coworkers that constantly make us question, “How do they let you work here?” or “How have you survived as long as you have?” Let’s talk about some experiences I’ve had with fellow nurses that genuinely make me terrified to go to a hospital.


I once worked with a nurse for over two years that constantly made me question how he functioned as a member of society. This guy was 51 years old, and on the first day I met Larry, he told me about two “News” websites that, when compared with each other, could predict the future. I shit you not, this guy believe he could predict the future by gathering data from http://www.beforeitsnews.com and http://www.foxnews.com. Visit both of those sites and you’ll see why this guy was insane. I used to print out articles from The Onion, and post them in the staff bathroom to see what he would do. Sure enough, I’d hear him try to discuss how “new studies show owning 75 or more cats led to healthier lungs” as if we all didn’t use the same bathroom. He once tried to convince me that 9/11 was a distraction for the largest gold heist in history. Well I’ll be damned. I had no idea people were jumping out of burning buildings to distract the world while their buddies stole $500 million in German gold from the basement. But wait, there’s more! When he found out about the Libya bombings a while back, he left work with an “emergency.” Turns out he went to his bank, withdrew all his money, and buried it in his backyard. People trust this guy with their lives!


I worked with an ancient nurse named Helen a few years ago. Helen was old as balls. She was so old her younger sister had Alzheimer’s. Woman has outlived 3 husbands, 2 children, and 7 Presidents. The Berlin Wall was built when she was in her 30’s. This woman was so slow at her job she would try to tell the doctor about a patient finding, not realizing the patient had already been examined, treated, and discharged by other nurses because Helen took too long. There were several occasions where I would ask her if her patient was OK, and she responded, “I have a patient in that room?” What!? They’ve been in there for 2 hours! Can’t blame her too much though. She learned her nursing skills from Nightingale herself, so her Civil War practice was a little outdated. She once tried to educate me on how the Iron Lung works. Wait, what? Yep, the Iron Lung. You know, that thing they stuck Polio patients in so they could breathe. Come to find out the cure for Polio wasn’t invented until she was a teenager so I guess there’s that. I honestly have no idea why she was still employed in an ER. I guess she was good at empathizing with our old ass patients when they were dealing with broken hips, incontinence, and dead friends. I don’t know.


Judy was in her early 40’s when I worked with her. She had no idea how to insert a catheter in little girls. We’re taught this skill in our very first nursing class, people. Girls have two holes when you spread those Fish Flaps. One for babies, and one for pee pee. You’ve got a 50/50 shot at getting it right. Explain to me how she got it wrong 100% of the time! I once heard Judy tell a family member that the best thing to help their obese child’s constipation was a “couple greasy McDonalds cheeseburgers.” Tell you what Judes, the next time you have a thought, save yourself the embarrassment, and just let it go. Another time I watched her attempt to use an Ambu bag, only to notice the bag was never connected to the oxygen in the wall. That’s the equivalent of calling tech support for your TV without plugging it in first.

The moral of the story is nurses are far from perfect. As intelligent, caring, and sympathetic as I am, there’s bound to be someone way worse to balance the scales.


Too Fat To Breathe

Let’s talk about the fat people of the world. I’m not referring to overweight like myself. I’m not even talking about the obese people that make a grunting noise when they try to get out of a chair. I’d even go so far to say I’m not referring to the morbidly obese people who sweat when they perform the most trivial tasks like peeling an orange. I’m talking about the Holy Balls Fatties. The 5 by 5’s. Five feet tall, and five feet wide. You know who you are. If you can’t even remember the last time you were able to wipe your own ass because your fat ass arms can’t reach around your fat ass ass, you’re a 5×5. Let’s face it, lettuce doesn’t taste as good as pizza. Period. So as long as we don’t run out of cheese, bread, and tomatoes, there will be overweight people in this world. However, there is a limit, folks. We have an acronym in healthcare: T.F.T.B. We use it when a Holy Balls Fatty comes in complaining of difficulty breathing. It stands for “Too Fat To Breathe.” If your Man Titties weigh so much that it’s difficult for your lungs to expand, you’re a 5×5. A recent study has shown HIV patients now have a longer life expectancy than people with Type 2 Diabetes. “But I’ve got a thyroid problem!” Piss off. There’s medication for that. “But obesity runs in my family.” Bitch, no one runs in your family. That’s the problem! “But I love food too much.” Shit. You’ve got me there. If you love food more than you love life, more power to you. Just don’t expect me to feel sorry for your fat ass when you come to the hospital and the doctor put you on a diabetic diet. “This tastes like cardboard.” That’s because it is.

I once had a complain that he was barely able to breathe. This 5×5 had COPD on top of being super morbidly obese. Reeked of cigarettes. We were able to stabilize him with BiPAP (a machine that forces air into your fat face every time you try to take a breath). While I was busy tending to the drug seeker of the hour, 5×5 decided he felt well enough to sneak out for a smoke. Twenty minutes later, he was medically paralyzed, and breathing through a tube. Another 5×5’s diabetes was so bad, he only had two toes left. Good God, you started with 10! How you gonna lose 8 toes and not think “Maybe I should rethink my diabetes management regimen” at some point. But hey, look on the bright side. You might still have a career in amputee porn!

Trying to place a catheter in a 5×5 is a nightmare. Especially females. When you spread those 150 pound legs and see a sideways walrus mouth staring at you, it’s going to be a bad day. You’ve got one person spreading the right lip, another person spreading the left lip, another person lifting the FUPA, and there you are basically trying to find a hole the size of drinking straw amongst all the sludge, cheese, and excess flesh. Imagine the stench that comes from a Baby Canyon that hasn’t been cleaned in at least 300 pounds because her arms aren’t long enough to reach over her Gunt.

Gunt: (noun) a gut that hangs over the cunt.

The worst part is she’s not alone. Night after night I have to get smacked in the face with horrible smells that have been brewing inside some 5×5’s rolls. You ever seen a guy with an innie? I have. It’s buried underneath that 200 pound Gock.

Gock: (noun) a gut that hangs over the cock.

If I’m being completely honest, don’t know how much longer I can deal with these 5×5’s before I stop being so nice. Put down the fork people!

Determining Severity

I’ll keep this short. The emergency room is not a fucking deli. You don’t take a number, and are then seen when a room becomes available. Don’t come bitching to me that people who arrived after you are being seen first. Patients are seen in order that they need to be seen. Your tooth pain is not going to be seen before someone who can’t breathe. Period. As I’ve said before, don’t be a dick.

So here’s how the process works, and pay attention so next time you go to the ER, you don’t ask a retarded question.

After you check in, a nurse will triage you. This means he/she will do a basic evaluation to determine if your complaint is bullshit or not. The bullshit-o-meter is based off of two main questions.
1.) “Does this patient need immediate life saving intervention?”
2.) “How many resources will this patient need?”
The answers to these two questions will determine your place in line, and basically how long we have to watch you go “Ahh. Ahh. My jammed thumb hurts so bad” off in the corner while we quietly mock you behind your back. The nurse will have assigned you a number between 1 and 5 in the computer system. This is your ESI (Emergency Severity Index) number. ESI 1 means you require immediately life saving intervention like, you know, when your heart stops. ESI 5 means you should have stayed the fuck home. “But wait, how can the nurse determine that in just a few minutes of interaction?” Because we went to mother fucking school that’s how. Oh, and by the way, our bullshit-o-meter works when you lie too. “I’m here because my back hurts and someone stole my pain meds….oh….and I have chest pain.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. We’ll call you when we can” *assigns patient an ESI 5*.

Every damn day I get the following questions and complaints:
“How much longer? I’ve got things to do”
“How come people that came in after me are already being taken to a room?”
“My ear hurts so bad. I need a doctor now or I’ll sue.”
“This is a joke. This is supposed to be an emergency room. I’ve been here 6 hours”

Fuck, I once actually had a mother bring in her 3 year old with a fever, and stand outside another patients room trying to get our attention. While we were actively performing CPR on a dying man, this woman said, “Excuse me. How much longer? We’ve been here an hour and my son is really warm” I shit you not this lady actually wanted us to kill someone because she was too stupid to give her kid some Tylenol at home. The thought of stabbing this woman crossed my mind briefly. She’s lucky her child was there. Instead we all collectively told her to kindly fuck herself.

So now you know how patients are picked to be seen. Don’t bitch when people are seen before you. That’s a good thing. That means you’re not dying

Favorite Complaints

Serious question:
You ever wonder why ER wait times are so long?
If you replied “Yes. Yes I have,” then the answer is because assholes come to the ER for dumb reasons. If you replied “No. Not really,” you’re the asshole. Thanks to the EMTALA (Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act) regulations, no ER can deny you care for any reason. That means if you show up, and tell the nurse “I came to the emergency room because I’m lonely, and I just want someone to talk to,” he/she cannot legally reply “Man the fuck up. This is a place for EMERGENCIES.” It is for this reason that you have to sit in the waiting room for 8 hours with a broken arm while all the rooms are filled with assholes. Combine those assholes with the Affordable Care Act, and you’ve got a perfect storm of newly insured assholes coming to the ER for dumb reasons and healthcare workers unable to act out their fantasies of cuntpunching said assholes. Thanks Obama. So, for your reading pleasure I’ve put together a list of my top 10 favorite reasons people decided to increase your wait time.

#10. 19 year old girl.
“I swear I’m pregnant but I’ve taken 3 negative tests.”
Dis bitch actually came to an ER because she didn’t believe the three pregnancy tests she took at home. She wasn’t having any symptoms other than a missed period, but God dammit, “I know my body!” she proclaimed. “Nice to meet you Becky. Here’s your discharge paperwork. We recommend a follow up with a psychiatrist”

#9. 42 year old woman with her 9 year old son.
“My son got hit by a car yesterday. He says nothing’s wrong but I’m like ‘Dude. Somethin gotta be hurting'”
The little fuck trophy was playing in someone’s driveway when they accidentally backed into him. Kid didn’t even fall down when he was “hit”. Apparently the moms anxiety overcame her and she just couldn’t handle the thought that her child was fine

#8. 18 year old woman with her 5 month old girl.
“My 3 year old daughter fed my baby Ice Cream. She gonna be OK?”
Mother fucker yes! Aside from the therapy both your children will need later in life to try and cope with the fact that they have a retarded mother, your baby will be fine. By the way, do the math on those ages…

#7. 22 year old man.
“I almost got hit by a car yesterday”
Son of a bitch! This guy almost got hit by a car…yesterday
“Wait so, you didn’t actually get hit?”
“No no no. But it came real close”
“Ok? And why didn’t you come in yesterday?”
“I felt fine yesterday. Today I’m worried it might happen again”
“You came to the ER because you’re worried that you might almost get hit by a car again today?”
“Yea” *Looks at me like I’M the idiot*

#6. 34 year old woman
“I just got out of rehab and I guess my tolerance ain’t what it used to be. I’m super tired”
What’s the first thing you do when you get out of rehab? Shoot up, of course! She calls 911 because she feels more tired than she usually does after her standard heroin dosage. “I’ll save you! Here comes you Narcan. Have fun puking your guts out in 30 seconds.”

#5. 18 year old woman
“I got my period at work and I’m cramping really bad. I wanted to go home early but my boss said if I don’t come back with a doctors note, I’ll be fired”
She literally came to the emergency room for a doctors note. Bitch, this ain’t the first time you lost an egg. Shove a plug up your bearded oyster, take a Midol, and deal with your own shit like a grown up.

#4. 28 year old man
“I keep going unconscious when I sleep”
The fuck? Is this some Inception shit right here? Dude actually thought he kept passing out after he fell asleep. He suggested we watch him fall asleep and see what happens. As much as I’d love to sit here an watch you get a few REM cycles going, I think I’ll go stab myself in the ear with a spoon. “Nice to meet you Brad. Here’s your discharge paperwork. We recommend a follow up with a psychiatrist”

#3. 42 year old woman
“I think my tit popped”
She got punched in the tit during a bar fight and now felt like her implant was leaking saline. The fight started because she was showing her new tits off to another woman’s husband. It didn’t take long for us to notice her right headlamp was shining quite a bit brighter than her left that night. Sorry you wasted all the money you just spent on those things. I’m sure some of your “clients” will still like you just the way you are.

#2. 55 year old man
“It’s cold and wet outside”
An Urban Outdoorsman was brought to us by ambulance because it was raining and cold. Don’t you dare say “Aww. You can’t deny people shelter from the cold!” Fuck off. This was in Florida where the lowest temps of the year are like 68. This douche had just been evicted from underneath his bridge, and his cardboard box wasn’t waterproof on its own. Homelessness isn’t anything to laugh about but when you act like a dick and abuse the ambulance service, I’m gonna call you an asshole, and tell you we’re out of turkey sandwiches, and fucks to give.

Here’s my favorite
39 year old woman
“I think I have new monya”
I couldn’t help myself. I said “Are you sure it’s not old monya?”
“Oh yea I’m sure. I got a shot for that a while ago.”
Fuck. I realize Pneumonia may not be the easiest word to spell but fuckin A lady. This grown ass woman legit thought she had taken steps to prevent Old Monya from getting her, but now this new strain of the disease had found a way into her system. We made sure to give her a shot to help treat this improved Monya that bested her previous vaccine

So there it is. Just a few examples to show you why your wait for the ER seems to be getting longer and longer. It’s not because of assholes like me being “slow” or “lazy”. It’s because of assholes like these that are either to dumb to realize they’re being an asshole or just don’t care that they’re being an asshole.

American Healthcare

The health insurance and hospital billing system in this country is fucking ridiculous. Emergency rooms alone will drain people of their life savings in a matter of minutes. The following is a piece of text taken directly from hospitals website regarding their charges:

Emergency Department Charges
Emergency Department charges are based on the level of emergency care provided to our patients. The categories, with Category I representing basic emergency care, reflect the type of accommodations needed, the personnel resources, the intensity of care and the amount of time needed to provide treatment. The following charges do not include fees for drugs, supplies, or additional ancillary procedures that may be required for a particular emergency treatment. They also do not include fees for Emergency Department physicians, who will bill separately for their services.
Category I
Category II
Category III
Category IV
Category V

If you should find yourself truly sick, and end up racking up enough resources to fall under the Category V bracket, you might as well tell them to pull the plug. Not only will you get slapped with that $1,246, but the doctor will bill you for each minute he/she spends at your bedside. Then you’ll get additional charges for all the medications we give you while you’re there. medical-billTo give you a comparison on how much meds cost in the ER, here’s an example. You can buy a bottle of Tylenol over the counter for $3.99 at most pharmacies. In the ER, we will charge you $4.50 per pill. Should you be so unlucky to have a stroke, fear not, for we’ll give you a clot busting medication that has the potential to save your fucked up leg, arm, and face. It’s called Tissue Plasminogen Activator or TPA. Guess how much a single dose of this medication can cost. Did you guess $30,000? Correct! Thirty thousand mother fucking dollars. Do you know how many hookers you could buy with that kind of cheddar? Click Here to find out.

I digress. So after your Category V bill, your doctors bill, and your medication charges, we’ll then charge you for any and all procedures we do while you’re in the ER. That means everything like checking vitals signs, placing an IV, drawing lab work, EKG’s, X-rays and CT’s, etc. Let’s talk about some of these tests. For those that don’t know, an EKG tests one aspect of heart function based on the electrical waves we can measure.KernFig1 The test involves placing ten or twelve stickers on your chest, arms, and legs, attaching wires to said stickers, then printing out 6 seconds worth of electrical wave measurements. The whole test can be performed in under a minute if you are cooperating, but since the results of this test can diagnose a heart attack, we’ll go ahead and charge you $800 for it. No biggie. After all of those charges, we go back and tally up all the supplies we used on you while you were in the ER. Things like needles ($3.75), alcohol swabs ($1.85), band aids ($2.90), gauze ($12.50), and saline flushes ($8.25) rack up your bills even higher. Mind you hospitals buy these supplies in bulk for fucking pennies each.

All this is just for your ER visit. Should you happen to fall into Category V, there’s a good chance you’ll be admitted to the Intensive Care Unit for at least a night or two. For that we charge $2,851/night. That’s one expensive ass hotel room. That’s just the cost for the room by the way. Don’t forget about the supplies, procedures, meds, and doctors bill. You think an doctor specializing in intensive medicine is cheap? Yea they didn’t spend all those years in school to work out of the goodness of there heart.

I once had a friend who broke his pelvis falling off a roof. Long story short, he lost a shit ton of blood, and spent a week in the surgical ICU before spending another week on a regular unit. His total hospital bill between the ER, surgery, the ICU, and Med/Surg unit was over $700,000. Do you know how many hookers you can buy for seven hundred thousand mother fucking dollars? Click Here to find out.

 Here’s a personal story. Not long ago my wife found my 1 year old son with an unknown pill in his mouth. Poison control was unable to identify the pill so they recommended a visit to the ER. It was later determined that the pill was Losartan which is used for blood pressure management. We went to the ER , which I happened to be working at by the way, and all they did was check vitals signs, observe for an hour, recheck vital signs, then discharge. I’m not complaining about the care. My son needed nothing else, and if I had a sphygmomanometer (blood pressure measurer) at home, I would have just kept him home. Thanks to the “Affordable” Care Act I was paying $1,200+/month for insurance for my wife, my son, and I. My insurance only covered 45% of ER visits after I paid my deductible. Before you say it, fuck you. I know it’s shitty insurance, but it’s all I could afford. So for the 92 minute ER visit with no supplies used, my bill totaled $1,342.58. Later I asked for an itemized bill to see what I’m paying for. The lovely people that handle insurance and billing informed me that if I had answered “no” when they asked if I had insurance, the bill would automatically have been reduced to 25% the initial cost.
So with insurance I paid 55% oangry-dudef the ER bill,
and without insurance I would have paid 25% of the bill. Fuck me sideways and call me Jane. Welcome to the American healthcare system people! Needless to say, I promptly canceled my current health insurance. Instead I take that $1,200/mo, and save it for a day when I might actually need it. The maximum tax penalty I would face for not having insurance is a fraction of the cost I was paying out of pocket to actually have insurance.

 So Dexter, what’s the point of all this? I’m not recommending anyone cancel their health insurance, or suggesting that I have a way to fix this fucked up system. However, in light of the fact that we’ll be choosing between a criminal or everyone’s racist drunk uncle for our next POTUS, now might be a good time to make good on your promise to denounce your citizenship, and move to a country with free healthcare.

5 Ways To Piss Off An ER Nurse


Here’s a short list on how to get yourself on the short list of patients that get denied pain meds, a larger needle than necessary, or a “come to Jesus” meeting during their stay in the ER.

#1) When asked “What brings you to the ER?” Begin your response with, “WebMD said…”

If I had a dollar for every time people incorrectly diagnosed themselves on WebMD, I’d be able to pay off my staggering student loan debt. A headache does not mean you have a Brain Tumor. It’s far more likely your headache is caused by your last remaining brain cell getting tired of trying to make you function like a normal member of society. WebMD was invented to help people make a more educated decision about seeking medical attention. WebMD was not invented to override the years of medical training that your ER nurse or doctor has received. Every time a patient begins his/her response with, “WebMD said,” the triage nurse will immediately think, “Oh fuck me. It’s another one of these douchebags.”

#2) Lie to them

No healthcare worker is going to believe that your blood alcohol level of .48 was the result of “2 beers” or that the track marks on your arms are “mosquito bites” or that the Barbie doll head stuck up your ass is because you were “walking naked in your daughters room when you tripped and fell into her toy box.” The term “Full of Shit” applies to more than just constipation. We’ve seen it all, and we don’t judge. However, when you lie to us, it does not help your case. I once had a patient tell me all of the track marks on her arm were from all the hospital IV sticks because she’s been so sick over the last few years. She was there for a fever related to her Endocarditis. The Endocarditis she got from shooting up with dirty needles. The sooner we can cut out all the bullshit, the quicker you will be cured. What’s that famous movie quote? “The truth shall get you discharged!” Something like that.

#3) Treat the ER like a hotel

I didn’t spend all that time in school racking up the aforementioned debt to become a waiter or a maid. Ain’t nobody got time to bring you juice, then a turkey sandwich, then a blanket, then a pillow, then a Popsicle, then some morphine, then turn the lights out because fluorescent bulbs hurt your eyes. Someone is in the next room with an actual emergency while you’re sitting here because “someone stole all my Percocet.” I once had someone with Incarceritis (Someone under arrest complaining of chest pain because they don’t want to go to jail) demand I stop treating someone who was actively having a stroke, just so I could bring them a turkey sandwich. You’re a grown ass man; start acting like a grown ass man. Oh and by the way, I know damn well your mom taught you how to say “please” and “thank you” so don’t pretend like she didn’t.

#4) Come to the ER for dumb reasons

As much as I love job security, if you’re 25 years old and come to me at 3am  because you woke up with a fever, your parents failed you. Go home, and take some Tylenol. Here’s a short list of reasons NOT to come to the ER:

You ran out of pain meds
Someone stole your pain meds
You dropped your pain meds down the drain
You’re drunk and now you’re vomiting
You need a school/work note
You think you might be pregnant
You’re hungry
You’re cold
You’re lonely
You missed your vein when you were shooting up and now you’ve got an abscess

Truthfully, that last one probably needs medical attention but it’s your own fault so I’ll help you but no fucks will be given to you

#5) Use an ambulance as a taxi

Ambulances are for emergencies. I’ll repeat that. Ambulances are for emergencies. Ambulances are NOT for people who can’t find a ride, for people who stubbed their toe, for people who don’t want to wake their friends at 2 am, or for people who don’t have Uber money. If you literally will not make the trip to the hospital without dying on the way, by all means, call an ambulance. I once had an Urban Outdoorsman (homeless guy) arrive by ambulance with the chief complaint, and I quote, “Its cold and wet outside”. I’m sorry, did you suddenly regret your decision to fold up your box and move out from under your bridge? Another patient told me “I been pukin’ for months now. Den I think to myself ‘Well…better call 911.'” For fucks sake lady, you’re 500 pounds. You could probably afford to puke a little. I once even had a concerned mother bring her child in by ambulance, and after being asked “What brings you to the ER?” she responds, “I didn’t have a thermometer”. I shit you not. This fucking lady didn’t have a thermometer so she called an ambulance. How about the 25 year old girl who came in by ambulance because she broke a nail? The list goes on people.

In conclusion, nurses and doctors have a lot of patience. However, I’ve provided you with a list of ways to piss them off, and ensure your visit to the ER is less than pleasant to say the least. Do with it what you will.

Bitch, Are You Retarded?

Ok ladies. This week is all about you. Men get a bad rep because we do stupid things, however you women aren’t without fault. While you may not put yourselves in as many dangerous situations as men do, you’re quite capable of making poor life choices. What’s say we start off with a story? This actually happened to me about a fortnight ago. That’s right. A fortnight. A 64 year old woman came in to the ER for abdominal pain. We do the standard work up including a CT Scan of her abdomen. The CT results read something like, “Patient has 12.7 cm glass cylindrical foreign body in vaginal canal. Large spherical bulb like formation on one end of cylinder” Can you guess what it is? If you said glass dildo, you’re wrong. It was a crack pipe. This brings me to my first piece of advice for my readers without a penis.

#1) Your Cockpit is not a pocket
As mentioned a few weeks ago, your Baby Canyon is responsible for the worst smell in healthcare. While it may be convenient to store your flavored lipgloss up there, it’s not going to help the horrible stench that comes from your unwashed South Mouth. I don’t know what it’s like to have the Jaws of Life between my legs, but I feel like it would be difficult to put something up there and forget about it. Day after day that logic is challenged by another yeast infection related to a switch blade, or a mans wedding ring, or a roll of quarters getting lost in your Pimps Paycheck. Just don’t do it.

#2) Don’t be a bitch
You women are viscous creatures. If a guy wrongs another guy there will be a fight, maybe some cuts and/or broken bones, and that will be the end of it. You women go after each other’s souls. “But she slept with my boyfriend!” Bitch, you set her house on fire! As much as I love the stories that come out of your carefully plotted revenge, it gets old. Who am I kidding? It never gets old. I once treated a 39 year old woman who was hit by a car and broke her femur. Turns out she was intentionally hit by another woman because my patient had cut her off….6 fucking months prior. Another woman was brought in because she had been stabbed in the uterus. Turns out she had recently slept with her pimp, and a “coworker” wasn’t about to share her baby momma-hood with another woman. She stabbed her in the uterus to “make sure she could never get pregnant”. What the actual fuck?

#3) No glove, no love.
Solid advice right there. That back alley coat hanger abortion will not work out in your favor. Neither will the STI you got from the Rando you decided had the best pickup line last night. It’s a little known secret that when a woman presents to the ER with itching, burning, or pain Down Unda, the nurses and doctors place bets on which STI she’ll be diagnosed with. “Trichomoniasis? Fuck! I had $30 on the Clap. Double or nothing on the Lady of the Night that just walked in?” I once had a woman who came in with three different STI’s. I guess she thought she’d get a discount if she handled three at the same time. Sorry lady, I’m sure group rates work in your line of “work”, but at the hospital we charge per diagnosis.

Guys may put ourselves in more dangerous situations more frequently, but you woman have a long way to go before you can throw that first stone.