#1) Don’t stick things in your ass.
Seems like a no brainer, butt, time after time we’re pulling objects from rectums. I’ve seen everything from dildos to light bulbs removed from their warm, dark resting place. The best way to avoid having strange people reach their lubed up gloves into your starfish is to find other ways to stimulate your prostate. I heard virtual reality has made huge advancements lately…
#2) If you must, use something that won’t get lost.
Listen, I get it…most of the time it’s a spur of the moment thing, and one may not have time to buy something that meets this criteria, so one is stuck improvising with household items. However, maybe try tying a string to the end. Or try something long enough that it doesn’t fit all the way up your 12 inch poop shoot. Perhaps a broom or mop. The end without a cleaning tool is preferred but hey, where there’s a will, there’s a balloon knot stretched beyond recognition. Better yet, how about something that’s attached to another human….
#3) Don’t be a minor.
Nothing is more embarrassing than showing up to the hospital with something stuck in your ass…except when the nurses have to call your parents for consent. The conversation usually goes something like this
“Hello, I’m looking for the parents of John Smith”
“This is Johns dad, Jim”
“Hi Jim. We need you to come to the hospital. Your son is in the emergency room”
“My God! Is he OK!?”
“Unfortunately I can’t give you any medical information over the phone. However…and this is totally unrelated by the way…is your wife missing any sex toys or phallic shaped vegetables by chance?”
#4) Avoid glass at all costs.
No matter how strong the urge, trust that that empty pickle jar WILL in fact break once it inside. The last thing you want is for a piece of glass to literally tear you a new asshole. Not only will pooping become torture, but after surgery it will be many moons before you will be able to stretch that prison wallet with another inanimate object again.
#5) Live animals are a definite no no.
I’m no PETA advocate but that’s just fucked up. Us healthcare workers hold back our judgements on almost everything but that’s my limit. I don’t know where this idea started but we need to nip it in the butt before it gets out of control. Not only will that animal do some serious damage to your insides but it will most certainly die in there, and every time you fart and people say “Holy shit bro, what died in your asshole?”, it will be a valid question
In conclusion: Unless you want to be a chronic sharter your hole life, follow my 5 simple steps. You’re welcome