5 Ways To Piss Off An ER Nurse

 

Here’s a short list on how to get yourself on the short list of patients that get denied pain meds, a larger needle than necessary, or a “come to Jesus” meeting during their stay in the ER.

#1) When asked “What brings you to the ER?” Begin your response with, “WebMD said…”

If I had a dollar for every time people incorrectly diagnosed themselves on WebMD, I’d be able to pay off my staggering student loan debt. A headache does not mean you have a Brain Tumor. It’s far more likely your headache is caused by your last remaining brain cell getting tired of trying to make you function like a normal member of society. WebMD was invented to help people make a more educated decision about seeking medical attention. WebMD was not invented to override the years of medical training that your ER nurse or doctor has received. Every time a patient begins his/her response with, “WebMD said,” the triage nurse will immediately think, “Oh fuck me. It’s another one of these douchebags.”

#2) Lie to them

No healthcare worker is going to believe that your blood alcohol level of .48 was the result of “2 beers” or that the track marks on your arms are “mosquito bites” or that the Barbie doll head stuck up your ass is because you were “walking naked in your daughters room when you tripped and fell into her toy box.” The term “Full of Shit” applies to more than just constipation. We’ve seen it all, and we don’t judge. However, when you lie to us, it does not help your case. I once had a patient tell me all of the track marks on her arm were from all the hospital IV sticks because she’s been so sick over the last few years. She was there for a fever related to her Endocarditis. The Endocarditis she got from shooting up with dirty needles. The sooner we can cut out all the bullshit, the quicker you will be cured. What’s that famous movie quote? “The truth shall get you discharged!” Something like that.

#3) Treat the ER like a hotel

I didn’t spend all that time in school racking up the aforementioned debt to become a waiter or a maid. Ain’t nobody got time to bring you juice, then a turkey sandwich, then a blanket, then a pillow, then a Popsicle, then some morphine, then turn the lights out because fluorescent bulbs hurt your eyes. Someone is in the next room with an actual emergency while you’re sitting here because “someone stole all my Percocet.” I once had someone with Incarceritis (Someone under arrest complaining of chest pain because they don’t want to go to jail) demand I stop treating someone who was actively having a stroke, just so I could bring them a turkey sandwich. You’re a grown ass man; start acting like a grown ass man. Oh and by the way, I know damn well your mom taught you how to say “please” and “thank you” so don’t pretend like she didn’t.

#4) Come to the ER for dumb reasons

As much as I love job security, if you’re 25 years old and come to me at 3am  because you woke up with a fever, your parents failed you. Go home, and take some Tylenol. Here’s a short list of reasons NOT to come to the ER:

You ran out of pain meds
Someone stole your pain meds
You dropped your pain meds down the drain
You’re drunk and now you’re vomiting
You need a school/work note
You think you might be pregnant
You’re hungry
You’re cold
You’re lonely
You missed your vein when you were shooting up and now you’ve got an abscess

Truthfully, that last one probably needs medical attention but it’s your own fault so I’ll help you but no fucks will be given to you

#5) Use an ambulance as a taxi

Ambulances are for emergencies. I’ll repeat that. Ambulances are for emergencies. Ambulances are NOT for people who can’t find a ride, for people who stubbed their toe, for people who don’t want to wake their friends at 2 am, or for people who don’t have Uber money. If you literally will not make the trip to the hospital without dying on the way, by all means, call an ambulance. I once had an Urban Outdoorsman (homeless guy) arrive by ambulance with the chief complaint, and I quote, “Its cold and wet outside”. I’m sorry, did you suddenly regret your decision to fold up your box and move out from under your bridge? Another patient told me “I been pukin’ for months now. Den I think to myself ‘Well…better call 911.'” For fucks sake lady, you’re 500 pounds. You could probably afford to puke a little. I once even had a concerned mother bring her child in by ambulance, and after being asked “What brings you to the ER?” she responds, “I didn’t have a thermometer”. I shit you not. This fucking lady didn’t have a thermometer so she called an ambulance. How about the 25 year old girl who came in by ambulance because she broke a nail? The list goes on people.

In conclusion, nurses and doctors have a lot of patience. However, I’ve provided you with a list of ways to piss them off, and ensure your visit to the ER is less than pleasant to say the least. Do with it what you will.

Bitch, Are You Retarded?

Ok ladies. This week is all about you. Men get a bad rep because we do stupid things, however you women aren’t without fault. While you may not put yourselves in as many dangerous situations as men do, you’re quite capable of making poor life choices. What’s say we start off with a story? This actually happened to me about a fortnight ago. That’s right. A fortnight. A 64 year old woman came in to the ER for abdominal pain. We do the standard work up including a CT Scan of her abdomen. The CT results read something like, “Patient has 12.7 cm glass cylindrical foreign body in vaginal canal. Large spherical bulb like formation on one end of cylinder” Can you guess what it is? If you said glass dildo, you’re wrong. It was a crack pipe. This brings me to my first piece of advice for my readers without a penis.

#1) Your Cockpit is not a pocket
As mentioned a few weeks ago, your Baby Canyon is responsible for the worst smell in healthcare. While it may be convenient to store your flavored lipgloss up there, it’s not going to help the horrible stench that comes from your unwashed South Mouth. I don’t know what it’s like to have the Jaws of Life between my legs, but I feel like it would be difficult to put something up there and forget about it. Day after day that logic is challenged by another yeast infection related to a switch blade, or a mans wedding ring, or a roll of quarters getting lost in your Pimps Paycheck. Just don’t do it.

#2) Don’t be a bitch
You women are viscous creatures. If a guy wrongs another guy there will be a fight, maybe some cuts and/or broken bones, and that will be the end of it. You women go after each other’s souls. “But she slept with my boyfriend!” Bitch, you set her house on fire! As much as I love the stories that come out of your carefully plotted revenge, it gets old. Who am I kidding? It never gets old. I once treated a 39 year old woman who was hit by a car and broke her femur. Turns out she was intentionally hit by another woman because my patient had cut her off….6 fucking months prior. Another woman was brought in because she had been stabbed in the uterus. Turns out she had recently slept with her pimp, and a “coworker” wasn’t about to share her baby momma-hood with another woman. She stabbed her in the uterus to “make sure she could never get pregnant”. What the actual fuck?

#3) No glove, no love.
Solid advice right there. That back alley coat hanger abortion will not work out in your favor. Neither will the STI you got from the Rando you decided had the best pickup line last night. It’s a little known secret that when a woman presents to the ER with itching, burning, or pain Down Unda, the nurses and doctors place bets on which STI she’ll be diagnosed with. “Trichomoniasis? Fuck! I had $30 on the Clap. Double or nothing on the Lady of the Night that just walked in?” I once had a woman who came in with three different STI’s. I guess she thought she’d get a discount if she handled three at the same time. Sorry lady, I’m sure group rates work in your line of “work”, but at the hospital we charge per diagnosis.

Guys may put ourselves in more dangerous situations more frequently, but you woman have a long way to go before you can throw that first stone.

Bro, Are You Retarded?

This week we’re going to talk about how stupid men can be. Don’t worry ladies, you’ll get your turn.
Men, why must we perpetuate the stereotype that we’re mindless, sex crazed animals that do stupid things when we’re with our friends? Lighting a bottle rocket sticking out of your asshole, while sounds hilarious in theory, has never gone well. I can’t tell you how many crispy taints I’ve seen on July 4th. It’s not a pleasant sight. Here are some tips to help you decide if what you’re about to do is a bad idea or not.

#1) If your idea involves sticking your dick somewhere it doesn’t belong, it’s a bad idea.

Just because it fits, doesn’t mean it should go there. You honestly think sticking your Weapon of Ass Destruction in a hot tub jet will work out in your favor? Honestly? I met one guy who put his Tiny Tim into his wedding ring. Ask me if it got stuck. Yea by time he came to the ER, it had been stuck in there for 4 days, and had become necrotic from the lack of blood flow. Go ahead and Google Necrotic Penis and you’ll know why this was one white guy who could truthfully say “I’m black from the waist down.” Now ask me if his Womb Broom is still attached to his body… Let’s just say he’ll have to pee sitting down for the rest of his life.

#2) If the idea came to you while you were intoxicated, it’s a bad idea.
 

“But Dexter, how do I know if I’m intoxicated or not?” If you’ve had a few drinks and the thought, “Maybe I should text my ex” crossed your mind, you’re intoxicated. Here’s a better idea. Buy a keychain breathalyzer for $20-$30, and if you blow higher than .04, your idea is a bad idea. I once had a patient that thought it would be funny for his friends to spin him as fast as they could on a bar stool. He was holding onto the sides of the stool, but didn’t realize his middle finger was caught between the spinning stool and the base. He lost the top of his middle finger. When he got to the hospital I said “Ooo now that’s a bummer.” He replied “Ehh. It’s not the end of the world. Just the end of my finger”. He then asked if the surgeon could replace the finger tip with a bottle opener.

#3) If your idea involves you becoming airborne at any point, it’s a bad idea.

What goes up, must come down. Had a patient decide his first parkour experience would be jumping from the rooftop of a 3 story building into the window of an adjacent building about 10 feet away. This story ends with a broken pelvis and a brain bleed. He survived because I’m awesome at my job and single handedly saved his life without anyone else’s help. No I’m totally kidding….he didn’t make it. LOL! The moral of the story is humans weren’t meant to fly. Also that if you don’t pay attention in Physics, you’ll be bad at estimating your projected parabola. And that’s officially the first time I’ve used that word since high school.

You’re welcome

How To Get High At The ER

Step 1) Don’t be a dick

I don’t care how famous you are or how many board members you know. When you want your drugs, you’re my bitch. As mentioned last week, I’m not your waiter. If you come in to my ER and act like an asshole, you’ll be treated like an asshole. Oh shit! Your family donated a million dollars to this hospital this year? Then where the hell was my Christmas bonus? Saying something like “Hey man, real talk. I’m in a lot of pain and Tylenol ain’t helping no more. I need help. Please” will go a long way toward getting your fix. Saying something like “I know the director! Get me my meds” makes me respond “Oh really? So do I. He hired me. He hired me because I don’t put up with assholes like you. Guess who just got moved to my lowest priority”

Step 2) Don’t be allergic to NSAIDs

For those that don’t know, NSAIDs are Ibuprofen, Aspirin, Naproxen, etc… Drug seekers claim to be allergic to NSAIDs so the only options we have left to treat their “pain” is Morphine or Dilaudid. I have worked in medicine for over 13 years. I care for roughly 4,000 patients per year, perhaps 1/4 of those are given NSAIDs. That’s 13,000 patients I have personally medicated with an NSAID, and I have NEVER had one patient so much as scratch an itch on their ass, let alone have a true allergic reaction. You’re allergic to NSAIDs? I call bullshit. If the bombs drop, and it turns out the government does have an underground fallout shelter, and I am the medical professional authorized to permit passage inside, all NSAID allergic individuals will be turned away to battle it out with the other post apocalyptic factions who are allergic to tylenol and tramadol in an irradiated wasteland. In my future utopia there is no room for the poor protoplasm that is allergic to ibuprofen. “Oh shit NSAIDs make you break out in severe hives? That’s OK. We’ve got Benadryl to treat the hives. Here’s your Motrin.”

Step 3) Don’t ask the nurse to “Push it in fast”

Most nurses are in a hurry because they’ve got a million things to do in the next 5 minutes. They would love nothing more than to give your 1mg of Dilaudid IV “Shove” and be done with the “I hurt my back because I was building an orphanage” story as quickly as possible, but unfortunately, that would lead to even more work because it would likely stop your breathing thus leading to a mountain of paperwork. I’m not speaking for all nurses but if you tell me to “Push it fast”, I automatically dilute that shit in 100 mls of NS and let it drip in over 30 long ass minutes. So much for your high. Now all you get it a few hours of pain relief like the medication was intended for. Damn.

So there you go people. You want to get high in the ER? Don’t be a dick, don’t be allergic to NSAIDs, and don’t tell the nurse to “push it fast”. Instead try this, say “Hey man, I’ve been having some lower back pain for a while now and Motrin ain’t doing shit anymore. Can I please get something stronger? My pain doctor is closed and I’m out of my MS Contin. I totally get it if you gotta give me something weak to start.” Trust me being cordial and up front will get you further than your retarded plan will.

Medical Advice Over the Phone

Here’s something:

*Phone rings*
“_____ ER, how can we help you?”
“Yea hi my kid just ate a cheeseburger from McDonalds and it looks like it wasn’t cooked all the way. Should I bring him in?”
Now as much as we would love to say “Are you fucking serious? Hell no you shouldn’t bring them in! Stop being retarded” unfortunately we can’t. If we advise you not to come in, we get sued for refusing care. If we tell you to come in and you waste everyone’s time, we get sued for telling you to come in for no fucking reason. We end up saying “I’m sorry we can’t give medical advice over the phone, but if you feel like your child should be evaluated by a doctor, we’d be happy to see him.” Before we get half way through that response, your retard side stopped listening, and you’ve already formulated your next retarded reply. “Yea but I’m just wondering if…” Bitch no! For fucks sake shut your whore mouth already. We cannot give medical advice over the phone. It doesn’t matter how your simple mind decided to phrase your retarded question. Every question you ask is wasting precious time of my life I can never get back.
The most common question we get asked is “My child has a fever. Should I come in?” Here’s the answer we wish would could give, “No.” Give your kid some Tylenol and/or Motrin and stay home. If you’re dumbass brings your kid to the ER for a fever, guess what’s the first thing we’ll do? That’s right. We’ll give Tylenol and/or Motrin. The same stuff you can get over the counter only ours costs about 10x as much. Why? I have no fucking idea. Oh and by the way, the only reason we give that is because your kid is usually annoying as shit when they don’t feel well. There’s only 3 ways a fever can be harmful:
#1) The fever has lasted more than 5 days in a row. That could mean the infection has progressed to Sepsis.
#2) You’re not forcing your kid to drink water. In that case, he/she will get dehydrated very quickly. If your kid hasn’t peed in 8-12 hours, you fucked up and now we have to stab him with a needle and scar him for life.
#3) The fever is greater than 108 degrees. Not 100.8. One hundred and eight degrees. 105 is fine so stop acting like your kids brain is melting. The only way kids temp will get up to 108 is if you lock them in your car for a few hours. It should go without saying, but don’t do that.

By calling the hospital and asking retarded questions, you waste the time of the healthcare providers, thus increasing wait times and pissing people off for no fucking reason. A long this note, don’t ask your friend or family member in the healthcare field for medical advice either. They know the answer to your question, but they also know damn well you won’t believe them because no matter how educated and experienced they are, you can’t fully trust your well being to someone you once saw hanging on to the grass because they thought they were going to “fall off the earth” after drinking too much tequila that one night in college. You’re going to end up in the ER anyway so you might as well skip the interaction with them where they tell you “Just put some ice on it. You’ll be fine in a few days.”
The bottom line is stop tying up our phone lines and wasting our time with dumb fucking questions we’re not going to give you answers to. We cannot give medical advice over the phone.