Medical Advice Over the Phone

Here’s something:

*Phone rings*
“_____ ER, how can we help you?”
“Yea hi my kid just ate a cheeseburger from McDonalds and it looks like it wasn’t cooked all the way. Should I bring him in?”
Now as much as we would love to say “Are you fucking serious? Hell no you shouldn’t bring them in! Stop being retarded” unfortunately we can’t. If we advise you not to come in, we get sued for refusing care. If we tell you to come in and you waste everyone’s time, we get sued for telling you to come in for no fucking reason. We end up saying “I’m sorry we can’t give medical advice over the phone, but if you feel like your child should be evaluated by a doctor, we’d be happy to see him.” Before we get half way through that response, your retard side stopped listening, and you’ve already formulated your next retarded reply. “Yea but I’m just wondering if…” Bitch no! For fucks sake shut your whore mouth already. We cannot give medical advice over the phone. It doesn’t matter how your simple mind decided to phrase your retarded question. Every question you ask is wasting precious time of my life I can never get back.
The most common question we get asked is “My child has a fever. Should I come in?” Here’s the answer we wish would could give, “No.” Give your kid some Tylenol and/or Motrin and stay home. If you’re dumbass brings your kid to the ER for a fever, guess what’s the first thing we’ll do? That’s right. We’ll give Tylenol and/or Motrin. The same stuff you can get over the counter only ours costs about 10x as much. Why? I have no fucking idea. Oh and by the way, the only reason we give that is because your kid is usually annoying as shit when they don’t feel well. There’s only 3 ways a fever can be harmful:
#1) The fever has lasted more than 5 days in a row. That could mean the infection has progressed to Sepsis.
#2) You’re not forcing your kid to drink water. In that case, he/she will get dehydrated very quickly. If your kid hasn’t peed in 8-12 hours, you fucked up and now we have to stab him with a needle and scar him for life.
#3) The fever is greater than 108 degrees. Not 100.8. One hundred and eight degrees. 105 is fine so stop acting like your kids brain is melting. The only way kids temp will get up to 108 is if you lock them in your car for a few hours. It should go without saying, but don’t do that.

By calling the hospital and asking retarded questions, you waste the time of the healthcare providers, thus increasing wait times and pissing people off for no fucking reason. A long this note, don’t ask your friend or family member in the healthcare field for medical advice either. They know the answer to your question, but they also know damn well you won’t believe them because no matter how educated and experienced they are, you can’t fully trust your well being to someone you once saw hanging on to the grass because they thought they were going to “fall off the earth” after drinking too much tequila that one night in college. You’re going to end up in the ER anyway so you might as well skip the interaction with them where they tell you “Just put some ice on it. You’ll be fine in a few days.”
The bottom line is stop tying up our phone lines and wasting our time with dumb fucking questions we’re not going to give you answers to. We cannot give medical advice over the phone.

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