How To Get High At The ER

Step 1) Don’t be a dick

I don’t care how famous you are or how many board members you know. When you want your drugs, you’re my bitch. As mentioned last week, I’m not your waiter. If you come in to my ER and act like an asshole, you’ll be treated like an asshole. Oh shit! Your family donated a million dollars to this hospital this year? Then where the hell was my Christmas bonus? Saying something like “Hey man, real talk. I’m in a lot of pain and Tylenol ain’t helping no more. I need help. Please” will go a long way toward getting your fix. Saying something like “I know the director! Get me my meds” makes me respond “Oh really? So do I. He hired me. He hired me because I don’t put up with assholes like you. Guess who just got moved to my lowest priority”

Step 2) Don’t be allergic to NSAIDs

For those that don’t know, NSAIDs are Ibuprofen, Aspirin, Naproxen, etc… Drug seekers claim to be allergic to NSAIDs so the only options we have left to treat their “pain” is Morphine or Dilaudid. I have worked in medicine for over 13 years. I care for roughly 4,000 patients per year, perhaps 1/4 of those are given NSAIDs. That’s 13,000 patients I have personally medicated with an NSAID, and I have NEVER had one patient so much as scratch an itch on their ass, let alone have a true allergic reaction. You’re allergic to NSAIDs? I call bullshit. If the bombs drop, and it turns out the government does have an underground fallout shelter, and I am the medical professional authorized to permit passage inside, all NSAID allergic individuals will be turned away to battle it out with the other post apocalyptic factions who are allergic to tylenol and tramadol in an irradiated wasteland. In my future utopia there is no room for the poor protoplasm that is allergic to ibuprofen. “Oh shit NSAIDs make you break out in severe hives? That’s OK. We’ve got Benadryl to treat the hives. Here’s your Motrin.”

Step 3) Don’t ask the nurse to “Push it in fast”

Most nurses are in a hurry because they’ve got a million things to do in the next 5 minutes. They would love nothing more than to give your 1mg of Dilaudid IV “Shove” and be done with the “I hurt my back because I was building an orphanage” story as quickly as possible, but unfortunately, that would lead to even more work because it would likely stop your breathing thus leading to a mountain of paperwork. I’m not speaking for all nurses but if you tell me to “Push it fast”, I automatically dilute that shit in 100 mls of NS and let it drip in over 30 long ass minutes. So much for your high. Now all you get it a few hours of pain relief like the medication was intended for. Damn.

So there you go people. You want to get high in the ER? Don’t be a dick, don’t be allergic to NSAIDs, and don’t tell the nurse to “push it fast”. Instead try this, say “Hey man, I’ve been having some lower back pain for a while now and Motrin ain’t doing shit anymore. Can I please get something stronger? My pain doctor is closed and I’m out of my MS Contin. I totally get it if you gotta give me something weak to start.” Trust me being cordial and up front will get you further than your retarded plan will.

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