Bro, Are You Retarded?

This week we’re going to talk about how stupid men can be. Don’t worry ladies, you’ll get your turn.
Men, why must we perpetuate the stereotype that we’re mindless, sex crazed animals that do stupid things when we’re with our friends? Lighting a bottle rocket sticking out of your asshole, while sounds hilarious in theory, has never gone well. I can’t tell you how many crispy taints I’ve seen on July 4th. It’s not a pleasant sight. Here are some tips to help you decide if what you’re about to do is a bad idea or not.

#1) If your idea involves sticking your dick somewhere it doesn’t belong, it’s a bad idea.

Just because it fits, doesn’t mean it should go there. You honestly think sticking your Weapon of Ass Destruction in a hot tub jet will work out in your favor? Honestly? I met one guy who put his Tiny Tim into his wedding ring. Ask me if it got stuck. Yea by time he came to the ER, it had been stuck in there for 4 days, and had become necrotic from the lack of blood flow. Go ahead and Google Necrotic Penis and you’ll know why this was one white guy who could truthfully say “I’m black from the waist down.” Now ask me if his Womb Broom is still attached to his body… Let’s just say he’ll have to pee sitting down for the rest of his life.

#2) If the idea came to you while you were intoxicated, it’s a bad idea.

“But Dexter, how do I know if I’m intoxicated or not?” If you’ve had a few drinks and the thought, “Maybe I should text my ex” crossed your mind, you’re intoxicated. Here’s a better idea. Buy a keychain breathalyzer for $20-$30, and if you blow higher than .04, your idea is a bad idea. I once had a patient that thought it would be funny for his friends to spin him as fast as they could on a bar stool. He was holding onto the sides of the stool, but didn’t realize his middle finger was caught between the spinning stool and the base. He lost the top of his middle finger. When he got to the hospital I said “Ooo now that’s a bummer.” He replied “Ehh. It’s not the end of the world. Just the end of my finger”. He then asked if the surgeon could replace the finger tip with a bottle opener.

#3) If your idea involves you becoming airborne at any point, it’s a bad idea.

What goes up, must come down. Had a patient decide his first parkour experience would be jumping from the rooftop of a 3 story building into the window of an adjacent building about 10 feet away. This story ends with a broken pelvis and a brain bleed. He survived because I’m awesome at my job and single handedly saved his life without anyone else’s help. No I’m totally kidding….he didn’t make it. LOL! The moral of the story is humans weren’t meant to fly. Also that if you don’t pay attention in Physics, you’ll be bad at estimating your projected parabola. And that’s officially the first time I’ve used that word since high school.

You’re welcome


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