Bitch, Are You Retarded?

Ok ladies. This week is all about you. Men get a bad rep because we do stupid things, however you women aren’t without fault. While you may not put yourselves in as many dangerous situations as men do, you’re quite capable of making poor life choices. What’s say we start off with a story? This actually happened to me about a fortnight ago. That’s right. A fortnight. A 64 year old woman came in to the ER for abdominal pain. We do the standard work up including a CT Scan of her abdomen. The CT results read something like, “Patient has 12.7 cm glass cylindrical foreign body in vaginal canal. Large spherical bulb like formation on one end of cylinder” Can you guess what it is? If you said glass dildo, you’re wrong. It was a crack pipe. This brings me to my first piece of advice for my readers without a penis.

#1) Your Cockpit is not a pocket
As mentioned a few weeks ago, your Baby Canyon is responsible for the worst smell in healthcare. While it may be convenient to store your flavored lipgloss up there, it’s not going to help the horrible stench that comes from your unwashed South Mouth. I don’t know what it’s like to have the Jaws of Life between my legs, but I feel like it would be difficult to put something up there and forget about it. Day after day that logic is challenged by another yeast infection related to a switch blade, or a mans wedding ring, or a roll of quarters getting lost in your Pimps Paycheck. Just don’t do it.

#2) Don’t be a bitch
You women are viscous creatures. If a guy wrongs another guy there will be a fight, maybe some cuts and/or broken bones, and that will be the end of it. You women go after each other’s souls. “But she slept with my boyfriend!” Bitch, you set her house on fire! As much as I love the stories that come out of your carefully plotted revenge, it gets old. Who am I kidding? It never gets old. I once treated a 39 year old woman who was hit by a car and broke her femur. Turns out she was intentionally hit by another woman because my patient had cut her off….6 fucking months prior. Another woman was brought in because she had been stabbed in the uterus. Turns out she had recently slept with her pimp, and a “coworker” wasn’t about to share her baby momma-hood with another woman. She stabbed her in the uterus to “make sure she could never get pregnant”. What the actual fuck?

#3) No glove, no love.
Solid advice right there. That back alley coat hanger abortion will not work out in your favor. Neither will the STI you got from the Rando you decided had the best pickup line last night. It’s a little known secret that when a woman presents to the ER with itching, burning, or pain Down Unda, the nurses and doctors place bets on which STI she’ll be diagnosed with. “Trichomoniasis? Fuck! I had $30 on the Clap. Double or nothing on the Lady of the Night that just walked in?” I once had a woman who came in with three different STI’s. I guess she thought she’d get a discount if she handled three at the same time. Sorry lady, I’m sure group rates work in your line of “work”, but at the hospital we charge per diagnosis.

Guys may put ourselves in more dangerous situations more frequently, but you woman have a long way to go before you can throw that first stone.


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