5 Ways To Piss Off An ER Nurse

 

Here’s a short list on how to get yourself on the short list of patients that get denied pain meds, a larger needle than necessary, or a “come to Jesus” meeting during their stay in the ER.

#1) When asked “What brings you to the ER?” Begin your response with, “WebMD said…”

If I had a dollar for every time people incorrectly diagnosed themselves on WebMD, I’d be able to pay off my staggering student loan debt. A headache does not mean you have a Brain Tumor. It’s far more likely your headache is caused by your last remaining brain cell getting tired of trying to make you function like a normal member of society. WebMD was invented to help people make a more educated decision about seeking medical attention. WebMD was not invented to override the years of medical training that your ER nurse or doctor has received. Every time a patient begins his/her response with, “WebMD said,” the triage nurse will immediately think, “Oh fuck me. It’s another one of these douchebags.”

#2) Lie to them

No healthcare worker is going to believe that your blood alcohol level of .48 was the result of “2 beers” or that the track marks on your arms are “mosquito bites” or that the Barbie doll head stuck up your ass is because you were “walking naked in your daughters room when you tripped and fell into her toy box.” The term “Full of Shit” applies to more than just constipation. We’ve seen it all, and we don’t judge. However, when you lie to us, it does not help your case. I once had a patient tell me all of the track marks on her arm were from all the hospital IV sticks because she’s been so sick over the last few years. She was there for a fever related to her Endocarditis. The Endocarditis she got from shooting up with dirty needles. The sooner we can cut out all the bullshit, the quicker you will be cured. What’s that famous movie quote? “The truth shall get you discharged!” Something like that.

#3) Treat the ER like a hotel

I didn’t spend all that time in school racking up the aforementioned debt to become a waiter or a maid. Ain’t nobody got time to bring you juice, then a turkey sandwich, then a blanket, then a pillow, then a Popsicle, then some morphine, then turn the lights out because fluorescent bulbs hurt your eyes. Someone is in the next room with an actual emergency while you’re sitting here because “someone stole all my Percocet.” I once had someone with Incarceritis (Someone under arrest complaining of chest pain because they don’t want to go to jail) demand I stop treating someone who was actively having a stroke, just so I could bring them a turkey sandwich. You’re a grown ass man; start acting like a grown ass man. Oh and by the way, I know damn well your mom taught you how to say “please” and “thank you” so don’t pretend like she didn’t.

#4) Come to the ER for dumb reasons

As much as I love job security, if you’re 25 years old and come to me at 3am  because you woke up with a fever, your parents failed you. Go home, and take some Tylenol. Here’s a short list of reasons NOT to come to the ER:

You ran out of pain meds
Someone stole your pain meds
You dropped your pain meds down the drain
You’re drunk and now you’re vomiting
You need a school/work note
You think you might be pregnant
You’re hungry
You’re cold
You’re lonely
You missed your vein when you were shooting up and now you’ve got an abscess

Truthfully, that last one probably needs medical attention but it’s your own fault so I’ll help you but no fucks will be given to you

#5) Use an ambulance as a taxi

Ambulances are for emergencies. I’ll repeat that. Ambulances are for emergencies. Ambulances are NOT for people who can’t find a ride, for people who stubbed their toe, for people who don’t want to wake their friends at 2 am, or for people who don’t have Uber money. If you literally will not make the trip to the hospital without dying on the way, by all means, call an ambulance. I once had an Urban Outdoorsman (homeless guy) arrive by ambulance with the chief complaint, and I quote, “Its cold and wet outside”. I’m sorry, did you suddenly regret your decision to fold up your box and move out from under your bridge? Another patient told me “I been pukin’ for months now. Den I think to myself ‘Well…better call 911.'” For fucks sake lady, you’re 500 pounds. You could probably afford to puke a little. I once even had a concerned mother bring her child in by ambulance, and after being asked “What brings you to the ER?” she responds, “I didn’t have a thermometer”. I shit you not. This fucking lady didn’t have a thermometer so she called an ambulance. How about the 25 year old girl who came in by ambulance because she broke a nail? The list goes on people.

In conclusion, nurses and doctors have a lot of patience. However, I’ve provided you with a list of ways to piss them off, and ensure your visit to the ER is less than pleasant to say the least. Do with it what you will.

How To Get High At The ER

Step 1) Don’t be a dick

I don’t care how famous you are or how many board members you know. When you want your drugs, you’re my bitch. As mentioned last week, I’m not your waiter. If you come in to my ER and act like an asshole, you’ll be treated like an asshole. Oh shit! Your family donated a million dollars to this hospital this year? Then where the hell was my Christmas bonus? Saying something like “Hey man, real talk. I’m in a lot of pain and Tylenol ain’t helping no more. I need help. Please” will go a long way toward getting your fix. Saying something like “I know the director! Get me my meds” makes me respond “Oh really? So do I. He hired me. He hired me because I don’t put up with assholes like you. Guess who just got moved to my lowest priority”

Step 2) Don’t be allergic to NSAIDs

For those that don’t know, NSAIDs are Ibuprofen, Aspirin, Naproxen, etc… Drug seekers claim to be allergic to NSAIDs so the only options we have left to treat their “pain” is Morphine or Dilaudid. I have worked in medicine for over 13 years. I care for roughly 4,000 patients per year, perhaps 1/4 of those are given NSAIDs. That’s 13,000 patients I have personally medicated with an NSAID, and I have NEVER had one patient so much as scratch an itch on their ass, let alone have a true allergic reaction. You’re allergic to NSAIDs? I call bullshit. If the bombs drop, and it turns out the government does have an underground fallout shelter, and I am the medical professional authorized to permit passage inside, all NSAID allergic individuals will be turned away to battle it out with the other post apocalyptic factions who are allergic to tylenol and tramadol in an irradiated wasteland. In my future utopia there is no room for the poor protoplasm that is allergic to ibuprofen. “Oh shit NSAIDs make you break out in severe hives? That’s OK. We’ve got Benadryl to treat the hives. Here’s your Motrin.”

Step 3) Don’t ask the nurse to “Push it in fast”

Most nurses are in a hurry because they’ve got a million things to do in the next 5 minutes. They would love nothing more than to give your 1mg of Dilaudid IV “Shove” and be done with the “I hurt my back because I was building an orphanage” story as quickly as possible, but unfortunately, that would lead to even more work because it would likely stop your breathing thus leading to a mountain of paperwork. I’m not speaking for all nurses but if you tell me to “Push it fast”, I automatically dilute that shit in 100 mls of NS and let it drip in over 30 long ass minutes. So much for your high. Now all you get it a few hours of pain relief like the medication was intended for. Damn.

So there you go people. You want to get high in the ER? Don’t be a dick, don’t be allergic to NSAIDs, and don’t tell the nurse to “push it fast”. Instead try this, say “Hey man, I’ve been having some lower back pain for a while now and Motrin ain’t doing shit anymore. Can I please get something stronger? My pain doctor is closed and I’m out of my MS Contin. I totally get it if you gotta give me something weak to start.” Trust me being cordial and up front will get you further than your retarded plan will.

5 Ways to Avoid Going to the ER With Something Stuck Up Your Ass

#1) Don’t stick things in your ass.

Seems like a no brainer, butt, time after time we’re pulling objects from rectums. I’ve seen everything from dildos to light bulbs removed from their warm, dark resting place. The best way to avoid having strange people reach their lubed up gloves into your starfish is to find other ways to stimulate your prostate. I heard virtual reality has made huge advancements lately…

#2) If you must, use something that won’t get lost.

Listen, I get it…most of the time it’s a spur of the moment thing, and one may not have time to buy something that meets this criteria, so one is stuck improvising with household items. However, maybe try tying a string to the end. Or try something long enough that it doesn’t fit all the way up your 12 inch poop shoot. Perhaps a broom or mop. The end without a cleaning tool is preferred but hey, where there’s a will, there’s a balloon knot stretched beyond recognition. Better yet, how about something that’s attached to another human….

#3) Don’t be a minor.

Nothing is more embarrassing than showing up to the hospital with something stuck in your ass…except when the nurses have to call your parents for consent. The conversation usually goes something like this
“Hello, I’m looking for the parents of John Smith”
“This is Johns dad, Jim”
“Hi Jim. We need you to come to the hospital. Your son is in the emergency room”
“My God! Is he OK!?”
“Unfortunately I can’t give you any medical information over the phone. However…and this is totally unrelated by the way…is your wife missing any sex toys or phallic shaped vegetables by chance?”

#4) Avoid glass at all costs.

No matter how strong the urge, trust that that empty pickle jar WILL in fact break once it inside. The last thing you want is for a piece of glass to literally tear you a new asshole. Not only will pooping become torture, but after surgery it will be many moons before you will be able to stretch that prison wallet with another inanimate object again.

#5) Live animals are a definite no no.

I’m no PETA advocate but that’s just fucked up. Us healthcare workers hold back our judgements on almost everything but that’s my limit. I don’t know where this idea started but we need to nip it in the butt before it gets out of control. Not only will that animal do some serious damage to your insides but it will most certainly die in there, and every time you fart and people say “Holy shit bro, what died in your asshole?”, it will be a valid question

In conclusion: Unless you want to be a chronic sharter your hole life, follow my 5 simple steps. You’re welcome