Favorite Complaints

Serious question:
You ever wonder why ER wait times are so long?
If you replied “Yes. Yes I have,” then the answer is because assholes come to the ER for dumb reasons. If you replied “No. Not really,” you’re the asshole. Thanks to the EMTALA (Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act) regulations, no ER can deny you care for any reason. That means if you show up, and tell the nurse “I came to the emergency room because I’m lonely, and I just want someone to talk to,” he/she cannot legally reply “Man the fuck up. This is a place for EMERGENCIES.” It is for this reason that you have to sit in the waiting room for 8 hours with a broken arm while all the rooms are filled with assholes. Combine those assholes with the Affordable Care Act, and you’ve got a perfect storm of newly insured assholes coming to the ER for dumb reasons and healthcare workers unable to act out their fantasies of cuntpunching said assholes. Thanks Obama. So, for your reading pleasure I’ve put together a list of my top 10 favorite reasons people decided to increase your wait time.

#10. 19 year old girl.
“I swear I’m pregnant but I’ve taken 3 negative tests.”
Dis bitch actually came to an ER because she didn’t believe the three pregnancy tests she took at home. She wasn’t having any symptoms other than a missed period, but God dammit, “I know my body!” she proclaimed. “Nice to meet you Becky. Here’s your discharge paperwork. We recommend a follow up with a psychiatrist”

#9. 42 year old woman with her 9 year old son.
“My son got hit by a car yesterday. He says nothing’s wrong but I’m like ‘Dude. Somethin gotta be hurting'”
The little fuck trophy was playing in someone’s driveway when they accidentally backed into him. Kid didn’t even fall down when he was “hit”. Apparently the moms anxiety overcame her and she just couldn’t handle the thought that her child was fine

#8. 18 year old woman with her 5 month old girl.
“My 3 year old daughter fed my baby Ice Cream. She gonna be OK?”
Mother fucker yes! Aside from the therapy both your children will need later in life to try and cope with the fact that they have a retarded mother, your baby will be fine. By the way, do the math on those ages…

#7. 22 year old man.
“I almost got hit by a car yesterday”
Son of a bitch! This guy almost got hit by a car…yesterday
“Wait so, you didn’t actually get hit?”
“No no no. But it came real close”
“Ok? And why didn’t you come in yesterday?”
“I felt fine yesterday. Today I’m worried it might happen again”
“You came to the ER because you’re worried that you might almost get hit by a car again today?”
“Yea” *Looks at me like I’M the idiot*

#6. 34 year old woman
“I just got out of rehab and I guess my tolerance ain’t what it used to be. I’m super tired”
What’s the first thing you do when you get out of rehab? Shoot up, of course! She calls 911 because she feels more tired than she usually does after her standard heroin dosage. “I’ll save you! Here comes you Narcan. Have fun puking your guts out in 30 seconds.”

#5. 18 year old woman
“I got my period at work and I’m cramping really bad. I wanted to go home early but my boss said if I don’t come back with a doctors note, I’ll be fired”
She literally came to the emergency room for a doctors note. Bitch, this ain’t the first time you lost an egg. Shove a plug up your bearded oyster, take a Midol, and deal with your own shit like a grown up.

#4. 28 year old man
“I keep going unconscious when I sleep”
The fuck? Is this some Inception shit right here? Dude actually thought he kept passing out after he fell asleep. He suggested we watch him fall asleep and see what happens. As much as I’d love to sit here an watch you get a few REM cycles going, I think I’ll go stab myself in the ear with a spoon. “Nice to meet you Brad. Here’s your discharge paperwork. We recommend a follow up with a psychiatrist”

#3. 42 year old woman
“I think my tit popped”
She got punched in the tit during a bar fight and now felt like her implant was leaking saline. The fight started because she was showing her new tits off to another woman’s husband. It didn’t take long for us to notice her right headlamp was shining quite a bit brighter than her left that night. Sorry you wasted all the money you just spent on those things. I’m sure some of your “clients” will still like you just the way you are.

#2. 55 year old man
“It’s cold and wet outside”
An Urban Outdoorsman was brought to us by ambulance because it was raining and cold. Don’t you dare say “Aww. You can’t deny people shelter from the cold!” Fuck off. This was in Florida where the lowest temps of the year are like 68. This douche had just been evicted from underneath his bridge, and his cardboard box wasn’t waterproof on its own. Homelessness isn’t anything to laugh about but when you act like a dick and abuse the ambulance service, I’m gonna call you an asshole, and tell you we’re out of turkey sandwiches, and fucks to give.

Here’s my favorite
39 year old woman
“I think I have new monya”
I couldn’t help myself. I said “Are you sure it’s not old monya?”
“Oh yea I’m sure. I got a shot for that a while ago.”
Fuck. I realize Pneumonia may not be the easiest word to spell but fuckin A lady. This grown ass woman legit thought she had taken steps to prevent Old Monya from getting her, but now this new strain of the disease had found a way into her system. We made sure to give her a shot to help treat this improved Monya that bested her previous vaccine

So there it is. Just a few examples to show you why your wait for the ER seems to be getting longer and longer. It’s not because of assholes like me being “slow” or “lazy”. It’s because of assholes like these that are either to dumb to realize they’re being an asshole or just don’t care that they’re being an asshole.

Bitch, Are You Retarded?

Ok ladies. This week is all about you. Men get a bad rep because we do stupid things, however you women aren’t without fault. While you may not put yourselves in as many dangerous situations as men do, you’re quite capable of making poor life choices. What’s say we start off with a story? This actually happened to me about a fortnight ago. That’s right. A fortnight. A 64 year old woman came in to the ER for abdominal pain. We do the standard work up including a CT Scan of her abdomen. The CT results read something like, “Patient has 12.7 cm glass cylindrical foreign body in vaginal canal. Large spherical bulb like formation on one end of cylinder” Can you guess what it is? If you said glass dildo, you’re wrong. It was a crack pipe. This brings me to my first piece of advice for my readers without a penis.

#1) Your Cockpit is not a pocket
As mentioned a few weeks ago, your Baby Canyon is responsible for the worst smell in healthcare. While it may be convenient to store your flavored lipgloss up there, it’s not going to help the horrible stench that comes from your unwashed South Mouth. I don’t know what it’s like to have the Jaws of Life between my legs, but I feel like it would be difficult to put something up there and forget about it. Day after day that logic is challenged by another yeast infection related to a switch blade, or a mans wedding ring, or a roll of quarters getting lost in your Pimps Paycheck. Just don’t do it.

#2) Don’t be a bitch
You women are viscous creatures. If a guy wrongs another guy there will be a fight, maybe some cuts and/or broken bones, and that will be the end of it. You women go after each other’s souls. “But she slept with my boyfriend!” Bitch, you set her house on fire! As much as I love the stories that come out of your carefully plotted revenge, it gets old. Who am I kidding? It never gets old. I once treated a 39 year old woman who was hit by a car and broke her femur. Turns out she was intentionally hit by another woman because my patient had cut her off….6 fucking months prior. Another woman was brought in because she had been stabbed in the uterus. Turns out she had recently slept with her pimp, and a “coworker” wasn’t about to share her baby momma-hood with another woman. She stabbed her in the uterus to “make sure she could never get pregnant”. What the actual fuck?

#3) No glove, no love.
Solid advice right there. That back alley coat hanger abortion will not work out in your favor. Neither will the STI you got from the Rando you decided had the best pickup line last night. It’s a little known secret that when a woman presents to the ER with itching, burning, or pain Down Unda, the nurses and doctors place bets on which STI she’ll be diagnosed with. “Trichomoniasis? Fuck! I had $30 on the Clap. Double or nothing on the Lady of the Night that just walked in?” I once had a woman who came in with three different STI’s. I guess she thought she’d get a discount if she handled three at the same time. Sorry lady, I’m sure group rates work in your line of “work”, but at the hospital we charge per diagnosis.

Guys may put ourselves in more dangerous situations more frequently, but you woman have a long way to go before you can throw that first stone.

Bro, Are You Retarded?

This week we’re going to talk about how stupid men can be. Don’t worry ladies, you’ll get your turn.
Men, why must we perpetuate the stereotype that we’re mindless, sex crazed animals that do stupid things when we’re with our friends? Lighting a bottle rocket sticking out of your asshole, while sounds hilarious in theory, has never gone well. I can’t tell you how many crispy taints I’ve seen on July 4th. It’s not a pleasant sight. Here are some tips to help you decide if what you’re about to do is a bad idea or not.

#1) If your idea involves sticking your dick somewhere it doesn’t belong, it’s a bad idea.

Just because it fits, doesn’t mean it should go there. You honestly think sticking your Weapon of Ass Destruction in a hot tub jet will work out in your favor? Honestly? I met one guy who put his Tiny Tim into his wedding ring. Ask me if it got stuck. Yea by time he came to the ER, it had been stuck in there for 4 days, and had become necrotic from the lack of blood flow. Go ahead and Google Necrotic Penis and you’ll know why this was one white guy who could truthfully say “I’m black from the waist down.” Now ask me if his Womb Broom is still attached to his body… Let’s just say he’ll have to pee sitting down for the rest of his life.

#2) If the idea came to you while you were intoxicated, it’s a bad idea.
 

“But Dexter, how do I know if I’m intoxicated or not?” If you’ve had a few drinks and the thought, “Maybe I should text my ex” crossed your mind, you’re intoxicated. Here’s a better idea. Buy a keychain breathalyzer for $20-$30, and if you blow higher than .04, your idea is a bad idea. I once had a patient that thought it would be funny for his friends to spin him as fast as they could on a bar stool. He was holding onto the sides of the stool, but didn’t realize his middle finger was caught between the spinning stool and the base. He lost the top of his middle finger. When he got to the hospital I said “Ooo now that’s a bummer.” He replied “Ehh. It’s not the end of the world. Just the end of my finger”. He then asked if the surgeon could replace the finger tip with a bottle opener.

#3) If your idea involves you becoming airborne at any point, it’s a bad idea.

What goes up, must come down. Had a patient decide his first parkour experience would be jumping from the rooftop of a 3 story building into the window of an adjacent building about 10 feet away. This story ends with a broken pelvis and a brain bleed. He survived because I’m awesome at my job and single handedly saved his life without anyone else’s help. No I’m totally kidding….he didn’t make it. LOL! The moral of the story is humans weren’t meant to fly. Also that if you don’t pay attention in Physics, you’ll be bad at estimating your projected parabola. And that’s officially the first time I’ve used that word since high school.

You’re welcome

Top 3 Worst Smells in Healthcare

 

Healthcare workers deal with a lot of shit…literally. You might think “Oh they do it so much they’re probably used to it” False. Every nurse has a weakness that is sure to induce nausea every time. They vary from nurse to nurse, but whether it’s dealing with sputum from a tracheostomy, Urosepsis, or pus from a freshly drained abscess, we’ve all got them. However, there are 3 smells that every healthcare worker knows will ruin their day and make them think “I don’t get paid enough for this shit.” I’ve taken the time to list the top 3 worst smells in healthcare.

3) C-diff

For those that don’t know, C-diff is short for clostridium difficile. It’s a bug that grows in your colon after you’ve spent your life abusing antibiotics. News flash: That Z-pack ain’t gonna do shit for your cold. It will however aid in the destruction of the flora in your lower GI tract allowing this special friend to grow nicely. My favorite symptom of C-diff is the diarrhea. Not just any diarrhea. Diarrhea that smells like a dead animal crawled in your nose, puked, shat, then cut open its stomach spewing out all of its guts as it bled to death. This particular diarrhea is quite excessive, and it’s a nice mix of green, yellow, and brown. One good thing about C-diff is that it’s an unmistakable smell that can be diagnosed from down the hall so there’s not a whole lot of tests that need to be run. One of the few times a nurse or CNA will contemplate suicide is when walking toward the C-diff room because your patient needs a change. You want to hear a lethal combination? C-diff, obesity, and Alzheimer’s. This fat fucker was so out of his mind that he would shit to bed, clean himself with his hand, then smear it on his bedside table. Meeting him in my first year of nursing almost made me change careers. Lucky for you guys I stuck with it, and now you get to read about how miserable I am.

2) GI Bleed

Black poop means you’re bleeding from somewhere in or near your stomach. Red poop means the bleeding is closer to your rectum. Either way it smells like you slit a cows throat, let the blood mix in with a pile of T-Rex shit, stirred it up using a rod forged from the remains of a thousand vulture carcasses, then left the mixture in an oil drum for 3 years to ferment. When EMS calls ahead with an incoming GI Bleed, we put all of our years of education together to think of a possible way to divert EMS. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll still take care of you, and treat you with dignity and respect. Just don’t be surprised if we meet you wearing hazmat suits and masks that most people use to protect themselves from biological warfare. GI Bleeds are yet another unmistakable smell that needs no test to diagnose. EMS once told me they had a GI Bleed coming in, but when the guy arrived I said, “Do you smell that?” The paramedic replied “No?” I said, “Exactly. This ain’t no GI Bleed.” Turned out the guy sliced his wagon wheel when he tried to shove a butter knife or two up there. Apparently he had run out of vegetables, and the next logical step was cutlery. Fun fact: just because it’s dull, doesn’t mean it won’t slice at high speeds

1) Dirty Vag

Ladies…I cannot stress enough the importance of keeping your axe wound clean. Doesn’t matter if your 80 lbs or 600 lbs, you’ve got to wash out your meat wallet regularly. I once had a patient who forgot she had a “period plug” up her finger warmer for 20 days. 20 fucking days! If I went 20 days without touching my genitals, my balls would be the color of blueberries and the size of limes. This woman developed Toxic Shock Syndrome. I remember this particular patient because this was the only time I’ve seen an ER doctor vomit in front of a patient. He went in for the pelvic exam, and came out 90 seconds later after puking in the trash can. Nothing is worse than pulling apart those beef curtains to put in a catheter, and having that green ghost hit you in the face. People relate the smell to fish. False. It’s more like a pile of dead fish that has been left in the sun for weeks. Then you take that pile, put it in a giant vat and pour a few hundred gallons of spoiled milk in it. Then you add in a thousand pounds if Munster cheese. Then you get all the homeless people in New York City to shit in it. Then just for fun you sprinkle in some AIDS. It’s actually shocking to imagine that something that was once beautiful can create such a wretched smell.

Well there you have it folks. The top 3 worst smells in healthcare. You have little control on the cause of two of those three smells. However, the worst of the worst is easily preventable with a little soap and water. Remember people…Front to back.