You ever wonder why ER wait times are so long?
If you replied “Yes. Yes I have,” then the answer is because assholes come to the ER for dumb reasons. If you replied “No. Not really,” you’re the asshole. Thanks to the EMTALA (Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act) regulations, no ER can deny you care for any reason. That means if you show up, and tell the nurse “I came to the emergency room because I’m lonely, and I just want someone to talk to,” he/she cannot legally reply “Man the fuck up. This is a place for EMERGENCIES.” It is for this reason that you have to sit in the waiting room for 8 hours with a broken arm while all the rooms are filled with assholes. Combine those assholes with the Affordable Care Act, and you’ve got a perfect storm of newly insured assholes coming to the ER for dumb reasons and healthcare workers unable to act out their fantasies of cuntpunching said assholes. Thanks Obama. So, for your reading pleasure I’ve put together a list of my top 10 favorite reasons people decided to increase your wait time.
#10. 19 year old girl.
“I swear I’m pregnant but I’ve taken 3 negative tests.”
Dis bitch actually came to an ER because she didn’t believe the three pregnancy tests she took at home. She wasn’t having any symptoms other than a missed period, but God dammit, “I know my body!” she proclaimed. “Nice to meet you Becky. Here’s your discharge paperwork. We recommend a follow up with a psychiatrist”
#9. 42 year old woman with her 9 year old son.
“My son got hit by a car yesterday. He says nothing’s wrong but I’m like ‘Dude. Somethin gotta be hurting'”
The little fuck trophy was playing in someone’s driveway when they accidentally backed into him. Kid didn’t even fall down when he was “hit”. Apparently the moms anxiety overcame her and she just couldn’t handle the thought that her child was fine
#8. 18 year old woman with her 5 month old girl.
“My 3 year old daughter fed my baby Ice Cream. She gonna be OK?”
Mother fucker yes! Aside from the therapy both your children will need later in life to try and cope with the fact that they have a retarded mother, your baby will be fine. By the way, do the math on those ages…
#7. 22 year old man.
“I almost got hit by a car yesterday”
Son of a bitch! This guy almost got hit by a car…yesterday
“Wait so, you didn’t actually get hit?”
“No no no. But it came real close”
“Ok? And why didn’t you come in yesterday?”
“I felt fine yesterday. Today I’m worried it might happen again”
“You came to the ER because you’re worried that you might almost get hit by a car again today?”
“Yea” *Looks at me like I’M the idiot*
#6. 34 year old woman
“I just got out of rehab and I guess my tolerance ain’t what it used to be. I’m super tired”
What’s the first thing you do when you get out of rehab? Shoot up, of course! She calls 911 because she feels more tired than she usually does after her standard heroin dosage. “I’ll save you! Here comes you Narcan. Have fun puking your guts out in 30 seconds.”
#5. 18 year old woman
“I got my period at work and I’m cramping really bad. I wanted to go home early but my boss said if I don’t come back with a doctors note, I’ll be fired”
She literally came to the emergency room for a doctors note. Bitch, this ain’t the first time you lost an egg. Shove a plug up your bearded oyster, take a Midol, and deal with your own shit like a grown up.
#4. 28 year old man
“I keep going unconscious when I sleep”
The fuck? Is this some Inception shit right here? Dude actually thought he kept passing out after he fell asleep. He suggested we watch him fall asleep and see what happens. As much as I’d love to sit here an watch you get a few REM cycles going, I think I’ll go stab myself in the ear with a spoon. “Nice to meet you Brad. Here’s your discharge paperwork. We recommend a follow up with a psychiatrist”
#3. 42 year old woman
“I think my tit popped”
She got punched in the tit during a bar fight and now felt like her implant was leaking saline. The fight started because she was showing her new tits off to another woman’s husband. It didn’t take long for us to notice her right headlamp was shining quite a bit brighter than her left that night. Sorry you wasted all the money you just spent on those things. I’m sure some of your “clients” will still like you just the way you are.
#2. 55 year old man
“It’s cold and wet outside”
An Urban Outdoorsman was brought to us by ambulance because it was raining and cold. Don’t you dare say “Aww. You can’t deny people shelter from the cold!” Fuck off. This was in Florida where the lowest temps of the year are like 68. This douche had just been evicted from underneath his bridge, and his cardboard box wasn’t waterproof on its own. Homelessness isn’t anything to laugh about but when you act like a dick and abuse the ambulance service, I’m gonna call you an asshole, and tell you we’re out of turkey sandwiches, and fucks to give.
Here’s my favorite
39 year old woman
“I think I have new monya”
I couldn’t help myself. I said “Are you sure it’s not old monya?”
“Oh yea I’m sure. I got a shot for that a while ago.”
Fuck. I realize Pneumonia may not be the easiest word to spell but fuckin A lady. This grown ass woman legit thought she had taken steps to prevent Old Monya from getting her, but now this new strain of the disease had found a way into her system. We made sure to give her a shot to help treat this improved Monya that bested her previous vaccine
So there it is. Just a few examples to show you why your wait for the ER seems to be getting longer and longer. It’s not because of assholes like me being “slow” or “lazy”. It’s because of assholes like these that are either to dumb to realize they’re being an asshole or just don’t care that they’re being an asshole.