Bro, Are You Retarded?

This week we’re going to talk about how stupid men can be. Don’t worry ladies, you’ll get your turn.
Men, why must we perpetuate the stereotype that we’re mindless, sex crazed animals that do stupid things when we’re with our friends? Lighting a bottle rocket sticking out of your asshole, while sounds hilarious in theory, has never gone well. I can’t tell you how many crispy taints I’ve seen on July 4th. It’s not a pleasant sight. Here are some tips to help you decide if what you’re about to do is a bad idea or not.

#1) If your idea involves sticking your dick somewhere it doesn’t belong, it’s a bad idea.

Just because it fits, doesn’t mean it should go there. You honestly think sticking your Weapon of Ass Destruction in a hot tub jet will work out in your favor? Honestly? I met one guy who put his Tiny Tim into his wedding ring. Ask me if it got stuck. Yea by time he came to the ER, it had been stuck in there for 4 days, and had become necrotic from the lack of blood flow. Go ahead and Google Necrotic Penis and you’ll know why this was one white guy who could truthfully say “I’m black from the waist down.” Now ask me if his Womb Broom is still attached to his body… Let’s just say he’ll have to pee sitting down for the rest of his life.

#2) If the idea came to you while you were intoxicated, it’s a bad idea.

“But Dexter, how do I know if I’m intoxicated or not?” If you’ve had a few drinks and the thought, “Maybe I should text my ex” crossed your mind, you’re intoxicated. Here’s a better idea. Buy a keychain breathalyzer for $20-$30, and if you blow higher than .04, your idea is a bad idea. I once had a patient that thought it would be funny for his friends to spin him as fast as they could on a bar stool. He was holding onto the sides of the stool, but didn’t realize his middle finger was caught between the spinning stool and the base. He lost the top of his middle finger. When he got to the hospital I said “Ooo now that’s a bummer.” He replied “Ehh. It’s not the end of the world. Just the end of my finger”. He then asked if the surgeon could replace the finger tip with a bottle opener.

#3) If your idea involves you becoming airborne at any point, it’s a bad idea.

What goes up, must come down. Had a patient decide his first parkour experience would be jumping from the rooftop of a 3 story building into the window of an adjacent building about 10 feet away. This story ends with a broken pelvis and a brain bleed. He survived because I’m awesome at my job and single handedly saved his life without anyone else’s help. No I’m totally kidding….he didn’t make it. LOL! The moral of the story is humans weren’t meant to fly. Also that if you don’t pay attention in Physics, you’ll be bad at estimating your projected parabola. And that’s officially the first time I’ve used that word since high school.

You’re welcome


How To Get High At The ER

Step 1) Don’t be a dick

I don’t care how famous you are or how many board members you know. When you want your drugs, you’re my bitch. As mentioned last week, I’m not your waiter. If you come in to my ER and act like an asshole, you’ll be treated like an asshole. Oh shit! Your family donated a million dollars to this hospital this year? Then where the hell was my Christmas bonus? Saying something like “Hey man, real talk. I’m in a lot of pain and Tylenol ain’t helping no more. I need help. Please” will go a long way toward getting your fix. Saying something like “I know the director! Get me my meds” makes me respond “Oh really? So do I. He hired me. He hired me because I don’t put up with assholes like you. Guess who just got moved to my lowest priority”

Step 2) Don’t be allergic to NSAIDs

For those that don’t know, NSAIDs are Ibuprofen, Aspirin, Naproxen, etc… Drug seekers claim to be allergic to NSAIDs so the only options we have left to treat their “pain” is Morphine or Dilaudid. I have worked in medicine for over 13 years. I care for roughly 4,000 patients per year, perhaps 1/4 of those are given NSAIDs. That’s 13,000 patients I have personally medicated with an NSAID, and I have NEVER had one patient so much as scratch an itch on their ass, let alone have a true allergic reaction. You’re allergic to NSAIDs? I call bullshit. If the bombs drop, and it turns out the government does have an underground fallout shelter, and I am the medical professional authorized to permit passage inside, all NSAID allergic individuals will be turned away to battle it out with the other post apocalyptic factions who are allergic to tylenol and tramadol in an irradiated wasteland. In my future utopia there is no room for the poor protoplasm that is allergic to ibuprofen. “Oh shit NSAIDs make you break out in severe hives? That’s OK. We’ve got Benadryl to treat the hives. Here’s your Motrin.”

Step 3) Don’t ask the nurse to “Push it in fast”

Most nurses are in a hurry because they’ve got a million things to do in the next 5 minutes. They would love nothing more than to give your 1mg of Dilaudid IV “Shove” and be done with the “I hurt my back because I was building an orphanage” story as quickly as possible, but unfortunately, that would lead to even more work because it would likely stop your breathing thus leading to a mountain of paperwork. I’m not speaking for all nurses but if you tell me to “Push it fast”, I automatically dilute that shit in 100 mls of NS and let it drip in over 30 long ass minutes. So much for your high. Now all you get it a few hours of pain relief like the medication was intended for. Damn.

So there you go people. You want to get high in the ER? Don’t be a dick, don’t be allergic to NSAIDs, and don’t tell the nurse to “push it fast”. Instead try this, say “Hey man, I’ve been having some lower back pain for a while now and Motrin ain’t doing shit anymore. Can I please get something stronger? My pain doctor is closed and I’m out of my MS Contin. I totally get it if you gotta give me something weak to start.” Trust me being cordial and up front will get you further than your retarded plan will.

Medical Advice Over the Phone

Here’s something:

*Phone rings*
“_____ ER, how can we help you?”
“Yea hi my kid just ate a cheeseburger from McDonalds and it looks like it wasn’t cooked all the way. Should I bring him in?”
Now as much as we would love to say “Are you fucking serious? Hell no you shouldn’t bring them in! Stop being retarded” unfortunately we can’t. If we advise you not to come in, we get sued for refusing care. If we tell you to come in and you waste everyone’s time, we get sued for telling you to come in for no fucking reason. We end up saying “I’m sorry we can’t give medical advice over the phone, but if you feel like your child should be evaluated by a doctor, we’d be happy to see him.” Before we get half way through that response, your retard side stopped listening, and you’ve already formulated your next retarded reply. “Yea but I’m just wondering if…” Bitch no! For fucks sake shut your whore mouth already. We cannot give medical advice over the phone. It doesn’t matter how your simple mind decided to phrase your retarded question. Every question you ask is wasting precious time of my life I can never get back.
The most common question we get asked is “My child has a fever. Should I come in?” Here’s the answer we wish would could give, “No.” Give your kid some Tylenol and/or Motrin and stay home. If you’re dumbass brings your kid to the ER for a fever, guess what’s the first thing we’ll do? That’s right. We’ll give Tylenol and/or Motrin. The same stuff you can get over the counter only ours costs about 10x as much. Why? I have no fucking idea. Oh and by the way, the only reason we give that is because your kid is usually annoying as shit when they don’t feel well. There’s only 3 ways a fever can be harmful:
#1) The fever has lasted more than 5 days in a row. That could mean the infection has progressed to Sepsis.
#2) You’re not forcing your kid to drink water. In that case, he/she will get dehydrated very quickly. If your kid hasn’t peed in 8-12 hours, you fucked up and now we have to stab him with a needle and scar him for life.
#3) The fever is greater than 108 degrees. Not 100.8. One hundred and eight degrees. 105 is fine so stop acting like your kids brain is melting. The only way kids temp will get up to 108 is if you lock them in your car for a few hours. It should go without saying, but don’t do that.

By calling the hospital and asking retarded questions, you waste the time of the healthcare providers, thus increasing wait times and pissing people off for no fucking reason. A long this note, don’t ask your friend or family member in the healthcare field for medical advice either. They know the answer to your question, but they also know damn well you won’t believe them because no matter how educated and experienced they are, you can’t fully trust your well being to someone you once saw hanging on to the grass because they thought they were going to “fall off the earth” after drinking too much tequila that one night in college. You’re going to end up in the ER anyway so you might as well skip the interaction with them where they tell you “Just put some ice on it. You’ll be fine in a few days.”
The bottom line is stop tying up our phone lines and wasting our time with dumb fucking questions we’re not going to give you answers to. We cannot give medical advice over the phone.

Top 3 Worst Smells in Healthcare


Healthcare workers deal with a lot of shit…literally. You might think “Oh they do it so much they’re probably used to it” False. Every nurse has a weakness that is sure to induce nausea every time. They vary from nurse to nurse, but whether it’s dealing with sputum from a tracheostomy, Urosepsis, or pus from a freshly drained abscess, we’ve all got them. However, there are 3 smells that every healthcare worker knows will ruin their day and make them think “I don’t get paid enough for this shit.” I’ve taken the time to list the top 3 worst smells in healthcare.

3) C-diff

For those that don’t know, C-diff is short for clostridium difficile. It’s a bug that grows in your colon after you’ve spent your life abusing antibiotics. News flash: That Z-pack ain’t gonna do shit for your cold. It will however aid in the destruction of the flora in your lower GI tract allowing this special friend to grow nicely. My favorite symptom of C-diff is the diarrhea. Not just any diarrhea. Diarrhea that smells like a dead animal crawled in your nose, puked, shat, then cut open its stomach spewing out all of its guts as it bled to death. This particular diarrhea is quite excessive, and it’s a nice mix of green, yellow, and brown. One good thing about C-diff is that it’s an unmistakable smell that can be diagnosed from down the hall so there’s not a whole lot of tests that need to be run. One of the few times a nurse or CNA will contemplate suicide is when walking toward the C-diff room because your patient needs a change. You want to hear a lethal combination? C-diff, obesity, and Alzheimer’s. This fat fucker was so out of his mind that he would shit to bed, clean himself with his hand, then smear it on his bedside table. Meeting him in my first year of nursing almost made me change careers. Lucky for you guys I stuck with it, and now you get to read about how miserable I am.

2) GI Bleed

Black poop means you’re bleeding from somewhere in or near your stomach. Red poop means the bleeding is closer to your rectum. Either way it smells like you slit a cows throat, let the blood mix in with a pile of T-Rex shit, stirred it up using a rod forged from the remains of a thousand vulture carcasses, then left the mixture in an oil drum for 3 years to ferment. When EMS calls ahead with an incoming GI Bleed, we put all of our years of education together to think of a possible way to divert EMS. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll still take care of you, and treat you with dignity and respect. Just don’t be surprised if we meet you wearing hazmat suits and masks that most people use to protect themselves from biological warfare. GI Bleeds are yet another unmistakable smell that needs no test to diagnose. EMS once told me they had a GI Bleed coming in, but when the guy arrived I said, “Do you smell that?” The paramedic replied “No?” I said, “Exactly. This ain’t no GI Bleed.” Turned out the guy sliced his wagon wheel when he tried to shove a butter knife or two up there. Apparently he had run out of vegetables, and the next logical step was cutlery. Fun fact: just because it’s dull, doesn’t mean it won’t slice at high speeds

1) Dirty Vag

Ladies…I cannot stress enough the importance of keeping your axe wound clean. Doesn’t matter if your 80 lbs or 600 lbs, you’ve got to wash out your meat wallet regularly. I once had a patient who forgot she had a “period plug” up her finger warmer for 20 days. 20 fucking days! If I went 20 days without touching my genitals, my balls would be the color of blueberries and the size of limes. This woman developed Toxic Shock Syndrome. I remember this particular patient because this was the only time I’ve seen an ER doctor vomit in front of a patient. He went in for the pelvic exam, and came out 90 seconds later after puking in the trash can. Nothing is worse than pulling apart those beef curtains to put in a catheter, and having that green ghost hit you in the face. People relate the smell to fish. False. It’s more like a pile of dead fish that has been left in the sun for weeks. Then you take that pile, put it in a giant vat and pour a few hundred gallons of spoiled milk in it. Then you add in a thousand pounds if Munster cheese. Then you get all the homeless people in New York City to shit in it. Then just for fun you sprinkle in some AIDS. It’s actually shocking to imagine that something that was once beautiful can create such a wretched smell.

Well there you have it folks. The top 3 worst smells in healthcare. You have little control on the cause of two of those three smells. However, the worst of the worst is easily preventable with a little soap and water. Remember people…Front to back.

5 Ways to Avoid Going to the ER With Something Stuck Up Your Ass

#1) Don’t stick things in your ass.

Seems like a no brainer, butt, time after time we’re pulling objects from rectums. I’ve seen everything from dildos to light bulbs removed from their warm, dark resting place. The best way to avoid having strange people reach their lubed up gloves into your starfish is to find other ways to stimulate your prostate. I heard virtual reality has made huge advancements lately…

#2) If you must, use something that won’t get lost.

Listen, I get it…most of the time it’s a spur of the moment thing, and one may not have time to buy something that meets this criteria, so one is stuck improvising with household items. However, maybe try tying a string to the end. Or try something long enough that it doesn’t fit all the way up your 12 inch poop shoot. Perhaps a broom or mop. The end without a cleaning tool is preferred but hey, where there’s a will, there’s a balloon knot stretched beyond recognition. Better yet, how about something that’s attached to another human….

#3) Don’t be a minor.

Nothing is more embarrassing than showing up to the hospital with something stuck in your ass…except when the nurses have to call your parents for consent. The conversation usually goes something like this
“Hello, I’m looking for the parents of John Smith”
“This is Johns dad, Jim”
“Hi Jim. We need you to come to the hospital. Your son is in the emergency room”
“My God! Is he OK!?”
“Unfortunately I can’t give you any medical information over the phone. However…and this is totally unrelated by the way…is your wife missing any sex toys or phallic shaped vegetables by chance?”

#4) Avoid glass at all costs.

No matter how strong the urge, trust that that empty pickle jar WILL in fact break once it inside. The last thing you want is for a piece of glass to literally tear you a new asshole. Not only will pooping become torture, but after surgery it will be many moons before you will be able to stretch that prison wallet with another inanimate object again.

#5) Live animals are a definite no no.

I’m no PETA advocate but that’s just fucked up. Us healthcare workers hold back our judgements on almost everything but that’s my limit. I don’t know where this idea started but we need to nip it in the butt before it gets out of control. Not only will that animal do some serious damage to your insides but it will most certainly die in there, and every time you fart and people say “Holy shit bro, what died in your asshole?”, it will be a valid question

In conclusion: Unless you want to be a chronic sharter your hole life, follow my 5 simple steps. You’re welcome



Hello there. I’m a Murse (Male Nurse). I’ve worked at 24 hospitals in 13 states. I’ve worked on just about every unit, however I currently call the ER my home. I love what I do, and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I felt like some things need to be said to the general public, and to the current clientele that find themselves in an ER at 4 am for a stubbed toe.
First off, fuck you. Go back home, and come back when you’ve got a real emergency. Second, fuck you. You don’t know more than me. You don’t know what’s best for you. You’re lucky I care so much about your well being that I’m willing to make you all better. Third, fuck you. I’m here for 12+ hours overnight, and I’m lucky if I get a bathroom break. So don’t be complaining to me about how you’ve got back pain because your Burger King job is so physically demanding.
Anyways, that’s a little about me. Tune in weekly to read more of my rants. Or don’t. I don’t give a shit.