Medical Advice Over the Phone

Here’s something:

*Phone rings*
“_____ ER, how can we help you?”
“Yea hi my kid just ate a cheeseburger from McDonalds and it looks like it wasn’t cooked all the way. Should I bring him in?”
Now as much as we would love to say “Are you fucking serious? Hell no you shouldn’t bring them in! Stop being retarded” unfortunately we can’t. If we advise you not to come in, we get sued for refusing care. If we tell you to come in and you waste everyone’s time, we get sued for telling you to come in for no fucking reason. We end up saying “I’m sorry we can’t give medical advice over the phone, but if you feel like your child should be evaluated by a doctor, we’d be happy to see him.” Before we get half way through that response, your retard side stopped listening, and you’ve already formulated your next retarded reply. “Yea but I’m just wondering if…” Bitch no! For fucks sake shut your whore mouth already. We cannot give medical advice over the phone. It doesn’t matter how your simple mind decided to phrase your retarded question. Every question you ask is wasting precious time of my life I can never get back.
The most common question we get asked is “My child has a fever. Should I come in?” Here’s the answer we wish would could give, “No.” Give your kid some Tylenol and/or Motrin and stay home. If you’re dumbass brings your kid to the ER for a fever, guess what’s the first thing we’ll do? That’s right. We’ll give Tylenol and/or Motrin. The same stuff you can get over the counter only ours costs about 10x as much. Why? I have no fucking idea. Oh and by the way, the only reason we give that is because your kid is usually annoying as shit when they don’t feel well. There’s only 3 ways a fever can be harmful:
#1) The fever has lasted more than 5 days in a row. That could mean the infection has progressed to Sepsis.
#2) You’re not forcing your kid to drink water. In that case, he/she will get dehydrated very quickly. If your kid hasn’t peed in 8-12 hours, you fucked up and now we have to stab him with a needle and scar him for life.
#3) The fever is greater than 108 degrees. Not 100.8. One hundred and eight degrees. 105 is fine so stop acting like your kids brain is melting. The only way kids temp will get up to 108 is if you lock them in your car for a few hours. It should go without saying, but don’t do that.

By calling the hospital and asking retarded questions, you waste the time of the healthcare providers, thus increasing wait times and pissing people off for no fucking reason. A long this note, don’t ask your friend or family member in the healthcare field for medical advice either. They know the answer to your question, but they also know damn well you won’t believe them because no matter how educated and experienced they are, you can’t fully trust your well being to someone you once saw hanging on to the grass because they thought they were going to “fall off the earth” after drinking too much tequila that one night in college. You’re going to end up in the ER anyway so you might as well skip the interaction with them where they tell you “Just put some ice on it. You’ll be fine in a few days.”
The bottom line is stop tying up our phone lines and wasting our time with dumb fucking questions we’re not going to give you answers to. We cannot give medical advice over the phone.


Top 3 Worst Smells in Healthcare


Healthcare workers deal with a lot of shit…literally. You might think “Oh they do it so much they’re probably used to it” False. Every nurse has a weakness that is sure to induce nausea every time. They vary from nurse to nurse, but whether it’s dealing with sputum from a tracheostomy, Urosepsis, or pus from a freshly drained abscess, we’ve all got them. However, there are 3 smells that every healthcare worker knows will ruin their day and make them think “I don’t get paid enough for this shit.” I’ve taken the time to list the top 3 worst smells in healthcare.

3) C-diff

For those that don’t know, C-diff is short for clostridium difficile. It’s a bug that grows in your colon after you’ve spent your life abusing antibiotics. News flash: That Z-pack ain’t gonna do shit for your cold. It will however aid in the destruction of the flora in your lower GI tract allowing this special friend to grow nicely. My favorite symptom of C-diff is the diarrhea. Not just any diarrhea. Diarrhea that smells like a dead animal crawled in your nose, puked, shat, then cut open its stomach spewing out all of its guts as it bled to death. This particular diarrhea is quite excessive, and it’s a nice mix of green, yellow, and brown. One good thing about C-diff is that it’s an unmistakable smell that can be diagnosed from down the hall so there’s not a whole lot of tests that need to be run. One of the few times a nurse or CNA will contemplate suicide is when walking toward the C-diff room because your patient needs a change. You want to hear a lethal combination? C-diff, obesity, and Alzheimer’s. This fat fucker was so out of his mind that he would shit to bed, clean himself with his hand, then smear it on his bedside table. Meeting him in my first year of nursing almost made me change careers. Lucky for you guys I stuck with it, and now you get to read about how miserable I am.

2) GI Bleed

Black poop means you’re bleeding from somewhere in or near your stomach. Red poop means the bleeding is closer to your rectum. Either way it smells like you slit a cows throat, let the blood mix in with a pile of T-Rex shit, stirred it up using a rod forged from the remains of a thousand vulture carcasses, then left the mixture in an oil drum for 3 years to ferment. When EMS calls ahead with an incoming GI Bleed, we put all of our years of education together to think of a possible way to divert EMS. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll still take care of you, and treat you with dignity and respect. Just don’t be surprised if we meet you wearing hazmat suits and masks that most people use to protect themselves from biological warfare. GI Bleeds are yet another unmistakable smell that needs no test to diagnose. EMS once told me they had a GI Bleed coming in, but when the guy arrived I said, “Do you smell that?” The paramedic replied “No?” I said, “Exactly. This ain’t no GI Bleed.” Turned out the guy sliced his wagon wheel when he tried to shove a butter knife or two up there. Apparently he had run out of vegetables, and the next logical step was cutlery. Fun fact: just because it’s dull, doesn’t mean it won’t slice at high speeds

1) Dirty Vag

Ladies…I cannot stress enough the importance of keeping your axe wound clean. Doesn’t matter if your 80 lbs or 600 lbs, you’ve got to wash out your meat wallet regularly. I once had a patient who forgot she had a “period plug” up her finger warmer for 20 days. 20 fucking days! If I went 20 days without touching my genitals, my balls would be the color of blueberries and the size of limes. This woman developed Toxic Shock Syndrome. I remember this particular patient because this was the only time I’ve seen an ER doctor vomit in front of a patient. He went in for the pelvic exam, and came out 90 seconds later after puking in the trash can. Nothing is worse than pulling apart those beef curtains to put in a catheter, and having that green ghost hit you in the face. People relate the smell to fish. False. It’s more like a pile of dead fish that has been left in the sun for weeks. Then you take that pile, put it in a giant vat and pour a few hundred gallons of spoiled milk in it. Then you add in a thousand pounds if Munster cheese. Then you get all the homeless people in New York City to shit in it. Then just for fun you sprinkle in some AIDS. It’s actually shocking to imagine that something that was once beautiful can create such a wretched smell.

Well there you have it folks. The top 3 worst smells in healthcare. You have little control on the cause of two of those three smells. However, the worst of the worst is easily preventable with a little soap and water. Remember people…Front to back.

5 Ways to Avoid Going to the ER With Something Stuck Up Your Ass

#1) Don’t stick things in your ass.

Seems like a no brainer, butt, time after time we’re pulling objects from rectums. I’ve seen everything from dildos to light bulbs removed from their warm, dark resting place. The best way to avoid having strange people reach their lubed up gloves into your starfish is to find other ways to stimulate your prostate. I heard virtual reality has made huge advancements lately…

#2) If you must, use something that won’t get lost.

Listen, I get it…most of the time it’s a spur of the moment thing, and one may not have time to buy something that meets this criteria, so one is stuck improvising with household items. However, maybe try tying a string to the end. Or try something long enough that it doesn’t fit all the way up your 12 inch poop shoot. Perhaps a broom or mop. The end without a cleaning tool is preferred but hey, where there’s a will, there’s a balloon knot stretched beyond recognition. Better yet, how about something that’s attached to another human….

#3) Don’t be a minor.

Nothing is more embarrassing than showing up to the hospital with something stuck in your ass…except when the nurses have to call your parents for consent. The conversation usually goes something like this
“Hello, I’m looking for the parents of John Smith”
“This is Johns dad, Jim”
“Hi Jim. We need you to come to the hospital. Your son is in the emergency room”
“My God! Is he OK!?”
“Unfortunately I can’t give you any medical information over the phone. However…and this is totally unrelated by the way…is your wife missing any sex toys or phallic shaped vegetables by chance?”

#4) Avoid glass at all costs.

No matter how strong the urge, trust that that empty pickle jar WILL in fact break once it inside. The last thing you want is for a piece of glass to literally tear you a new asshole. Not only will pooping become torture, but after surgery it will be many moons before you will be able to stretch that prison wallet with another inanimate object again.

#5) Live animals are a definite no no.

I’m no PETA advocate but that’s just fucked up. Us healthcare workers hold back our judgements on almost everything but that’s my limit. I don’t know where this idea started but we need to nip it in the butt before it gets out of control. Not only will that animal do some serious damage to your insides but it will most certainly die in there, and every time you fart and people say “Holy shit bro, what died in your asshole?”, it will be a valid question

In conclusion: Unless you want to be a chronic sharter your hole life, follow my 5 simple steps. You’re welcome



Hello there. My name is Dexter, and I’m a Murse (Male Nurse). I’ve worked at 24 hospitals in 13 states. I’ve worked on just about every unit, however I currently call the ER my home. I love what I do, and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I felt like some things need to be said to the general public, and to the current clientele that find themselves in an ER at 4 am for a stubbed toe.
First off, fuck you. Go back home, and come back when you’ve got a real emergency. Second, fuck you. You don’t know more than me. You don’t know what’s best for you. You’re lucky I care so much about your well being that I’m willing to make you all better. Third, fuck you. I’m here for 12+ hours overnight and I’m lucky if I get a bathroom break. So don’t be complaining to me about how you’ve got back pain because your Burger King job is so physically demanding.
Anyways, that’s a little about me. Tune in weekly to read more of my rants. Or don’t. I don’t give a shit.